Unicorn Sightings on the Rise; Some are Concerned

15 Jul

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There has been an alarming increase in unicorn sightings over the past three years. Biologists are baffled as to why. For conservative religious leaders, the rise of homosexual rights and acceptance is to blame. To quote Glad Tidings Universal Church leader and reverend, Blake Crust, “It’s all that gay stuff coming to roost”

For the most part, the sightings have been mostly non-violent. A teen was gored by the single horn of a male unicorn after being dared to simulate manual sexual stimulation on said horn. In the South, another man was trampled to death after shouting “faggot horse” at a unicorn. Besides these isolated incidents, most people report feeling joy or mirth after a sighting.

There has been growing concern for the safety of unicorns, though. Hateful Facebook pages have been flagged and reported en masse. Posts promoting violence and denigrating memes abound in these groups. Pro-Trump groups are unanimously aligned with anti-unicorn factions. Russ Bred, pro-Trump tweeting juggernaut started the popular hashtag #queerponiesdontmaga

Authorities have asked for the public’s help in reporting such groups or pages across social media platforms.

Most people are accepting of unicorns and welcome them. Some see them as a good omen for things to come. No unicorns have come forward for comment. The consensus is they are pro-human. There is a lot more to be learned about the unicorn and scientists are hard at work trying to quench our thirst for knowledge of the divine creature.


Editorial note:

This reporter believes we should embrace the unicorn. They represent everything that is splendid and sublime about our vast universe. There is space for the unicorn and man to exist side by side.

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11 Responses to “Unicorn Sightings on the Rise; Some are Concerned”

  1. Bruce Goodman July 15, 2019 at 4:29 pm #

    Yeah – I was starting to suspect you was one of those f**king fluffy unicorn lovers. You need to get gored by the single horn of a male unicorn and learn a good lesson.

    • Ryan July 15, 2019 at 5:08 pm #

      😂😂😂 Dude, I have two daughters, 2 and 7. Those are some prime unicorn years. What can I say? They have worn me down!

      • Bruce Goodman July 15, 2019 at 6:10 pm #

        LOL! I actually like unicorns and I believe in them. I saw one once – even though I know it was a prankster shoving a unicorn head through the trees one evening. It was magic!

  2. bgddyjim July 15, 2019 at 5:28 pm #

    Dude, you messed up. You can’t say if the unicorns are Male or Female until they identify as Male or Female… until then, you can’t even say if they’re gay or lesbian unicorns. Actually, can you even call them unicorns?! And are they legal or illegal unicorns?!

    Damn, I’m confused. Next thing you know, some ridiculous sexophbic group will complain about the reality that unicorns do indeed fart rainbows!

    • Ryan July 15, 2019 at 5:32 pm #

      Who could POSSIBLY complain about farting rainbows!? I would certainly pray to a being that farts rainbows!

      • bgddyjim July 15, 2019 at 8:47 pm #

        I know, right?! Cool post, man.

      • Ryan July 15, 2019 at 9:46 pm #

        Thanks brother!

  3. COLIMPO July 15, 2019 at 5:55 pm #

    Yes, I would imagine your poop would smell like magical cotton candy, that is if unicorns even poop at all. I’m thinking rainbow farts are the worse possible thing they could anally exude. Overall, my take on this is gross and exciting all at the same time.

    I’m mad Trump found a way include MAGA and ponies in the same phrase – what a dumb ass!!! lol

    • Ryan July 15, 2019 at 6:44 pm #

      Thanks for reading it! To be fair, it wasn’t Trump that created the hashtag….. lol

  4. Eric Tonningsen July 18, 2019 at 8:47 pm #

    I enjoyed the comments as much as the news update. And your hashtag was/is classic. As for Bruce’s thoughts… that’s pretty full bore! 🦄 However, I was not surprised you chose to share this research finding… what with having two girls. I can only imagine the imagination you have conjured and endured over the years. I’ll conclude by applauding religious beliefs that acknowledge a willingness to pray to a being that farts 🌈. I sensed you had that in you.

    • Ryan July 24, 2019 at 8:36 pm #

      LOL, thanks for the laugh Eric! I’m still smiling as I type this. You are dead nuts on that having two little girls around me, pretty much all the time, was the source of inspiration for this hard hitting journalistic piece. Thanks for reading!

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