Unicorn Sightings on the Rise; Some are Concerned

There has been an alarming increase in unicorn sightings over the past three years. Biologists are baffled as to why. For conservative religious leaders, the rise of homosexual rights and acceptance is to blame. To quote Glad Tidings Universal Church leader and reverend, Blake Crust, “It’s all that gay stuff coming to roost”

For the most part, the sightings have been mostly non-violent. A teen was gored by the single horn of a male unicorn after being dared to simulate manual sexual stimulation on said horn. In the South, another man was trampled to death after shouting “faggot horse” at a unicorn. Besides these isolated incidents, most people report feeling joy or mirth after a sighting.

There has been growing concern for the safety of unicorns, though. Hateful Facebook pages have been flagged and reported en masse. Posts promoting violence and denigrating memes abound in these groups. Pro-Trump groups are unanimously aligned with anti-unicorn factions. Russ Bred, pro-Trump tweeting juggernaut started the popular hashtag #queerponiesdontmaga

Authorities have asked for the public’s help in reporting such groups or pages across social media platforms.

Most people are accepting of unicorns and welcome them. Some see them as a good omen for things to come. No unicorns have come forward for comment. The consensus is they are pro-human. There is a lot more to be learned about the unicorn and scientists are hard at work trying to quench our thirst for knowledge of the divine creature.

Editorial note:

This reporter believes we should embrace the unicorn. They represent everything that is splendid and sublime about our vast universe. There is space for the unicorn and man to exist side by side.

Stand Up Tragedian

 

A person who evokes emotions through comedy is a comedian. They use their words to paint images that, at least in their intent, are to make you laugh. It is a strange profession and a very difficult one as well. Carl was never funny but he was born to perform. Although he could not make people laugh, he a way of making people cry. He would not insult them. He would tell tragic tales. Usually true. Always about himself. He was a stand up tragedian.

He would warm the crowd up with tales of the irritation in his anus from the rubbing of giant hemorrhoids on the way to the club.  Then he would go into material about his cat, who was dying from feline leukemia. Then his closer was a story of how he tried visiting his grandmother at the hospital, minutes before her surgery. He was barred from the hospital parking lot and parked a fair distance away. By the time he had made it to her room she was already in surgery. The next day he got a call. She was dead. The crowd is usually totally in tears at this point. Most people say “It’s the way he tells the stories” usually followed by, “You have to see to it”.

Carl made a good living doing this. He even got to have relations with the occasional groupie. They were usually neurotic, drugged up to the gills, plus sized, middle aged women. But he didn’t care. Having sex with them gave him more material. There was one thing that always surprised the comedians in every town he traveled. He was a much more well adjusted human being than them.