Tag Archives: homosexuality

Unicorn Sightings on the Rise; Some are Concerned

15 Jul

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There has been an alarming increase in unicorn sightings over the past three years. Biologists are baffled as to why. For conservative religious leaders, the rise of homosexual rights and acceptance is to blame. To quote Glad Tidings Universal Church leader and reverend, Blake Crust, “It’s all that gay stuff coming to roost”

For the most part, the sightings have been mostly non-violent. A teen was gored by the single horn of a male unicorn after being dared to simulate manual sexual stimulation on said horn. In the South, another man was trampled to death after shouting “faggot horse” at a unicorn. Besides these isolated incidents, most people report feeling joy or mirth after a sighting.

There has been growing concern for the safety of unicorns, though. Hateful Facebook pages have been flagged and reported en masse. Posts promoting violence and denigrating memes abound in these groups. Pro-Trump groups are unanimously aligned with anti-unicorn factions. Russ Bred, pro-Trump tweeting juggernaut started the popular hashtag #queerponiesdontmaga

Authorities have asked for the public’s help in reporting such groups or pages across social media platforms.

Most people are accepting of unicorns and welcome them. Some see them as a good omen for things to come. No unicorns have come forward for comment. The consensus is they are pro-human. There is a lot more to be learned about the unicorn and scientists are hard at work trying to quench our thirst for knowledge of the divine creature.

Unicorn

Editorial note:

This reporter believes we should embrace the unicorn. They represent everything that is splendid and sublime about our vast universe. There is space for the unicorn and man to exist side by side.

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The Injection

4 Mar

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“What if I told you that what’s in here will make you strong as an ox, lean you out and make you bigger?” Mark paused, holding a little vial of golden liquid to the light for dramatic effect, “And there are no side effects, well, bad ones anyway”

“I´d say you’re full of shit for starters and then I’d ask what do you mean by ‘not any bad ones’?” Jeremy answered as he racked the barbell and sat up from the bench.

“I’m not going to acknowledge the first part, but the side effect is that it does something to your pheromones that make some people susceptible to your smell and they go crazy over you. It’s not everyone, but the ones who do, when they get a whiff of who’s using this stuff, watch out” Mark said.

“I’m sorry but that all sounds bogus to me” Jeremy insisted.

“Then try it. For free. One month, actually, this here vial is a one month dose. Just one stick and you are good to go. I guarantee results. You’ll be begging for another in four weeks”

Jeremy’s ears perked up at “free”. He has tried almost every steroid combination known to man. He was not a stranger to putting unknown substances in his body. Even though he was incredulous of the claims, he was certainly willing to pay nothing to find out if they were true or not. “Ok” Jeremy agreed, “Stick me”

*          *          *          *           *          *

The next morning Jeremy felt slightly different. He couldn’t put his finger on what it was but he believed the substance was having an effect. He reached for the chin-up bar in his door jam. He banged out 21 pull-ups, a significant increase from the already impressive 15 in a row he was used to doing.

He got dressed for work and headed out. On the bus, he noticed more people were looking at him than usual. He caught a woman close to him nervously averting her glance. She was staring until he looked over, then she would pretend she was not looking at all.

He arrived at the office, sat down at his cubicle and turned on his computer. His boss, the director of finance, passed by to say his usual good mornings.

“Hey Jeremy how are you…” he said, trailing off as if he had lost his train of thought.

“Great Richard. I’m ahead of schedule on that project you put me on” Jeremy said.

Richard just stared, making Jeremy momentarily uncomfortable. He finally broke his silence with “Did you get a haircut or something, there seems to be something different about you”

“No sir” Jeremy chuckled.

“Well, you’re looking good and hey, about that project, that’s great and all, but really, there is no rush. Get it to me when you can”

“Sure thing, sir” Jeremy smiled. Richard backed away slowly as to not break his privileged view of Jeremy.

Tiffany, Jeremy’s cubicle neighbor arrived in time to witness the awkward scene. “What was that all about?” she asked.

“I have no idea” he answered.

“You do look different” she said, “It’s kind of hot” she offered, half-jokingly.

Jeremy laughed it off, “Thanks Tiff”

*          *          *          *           *          *

A week had passed since the injection. Jeremy was clearly stronger than before. He was breaking all of his all-time best lifts by considerable amounts. His clothes were getting tighter. He felt more energy and he was getting more attention from people, everywhere he went. When he related this to Mark in a text message, the replay was four words: “I told you so”

Late Friday afternoon, Richard called Jeremy into his office.

“Yes, sir?” Jeremy said as he approached Richard’s desk.

“Please, close the door behind you” Richard said. “Let’s get right to this. Your work is impeccable but that’s not why I’ve called you here. This is personal” Richard confessed. Jeremy was very confused.

Richard continued, “I can’t stop thinking about you” he folded his hands together and waited for a response.

“Uh, I don’t know what to say” Jeremy said his face burning with embarrassment.

“Say you’ll go with me to St. Bart’s. Next week. Everything first class and everything paid. There is a big financial conference so we have cover” he said as he rose and approached Jeremy.

“Sir, you’re m-m-married and I’m not, w-w-well, that w-w-ay” Jeremy stuttered. He hadn’t stuttered since junior high school.

“What do you mean ‘that way’?” Richard asked, “Me neither but you have become an obsession of mine, I’ve never seen a man this way. I need you” he moved in for a kiss.

Jeremy bobbed and weaved and took a step back and left Richard’s pursed lips alone in the space between them, kissing air. “Sir!” Jeremy exclaimed.

“I’ll give you a thousand dollars right now. Cash. Just kiss me” Richard said as a crazed look grew in his eyes. Richard’s silky dress pants betrayed his tumescence.

“I have to go sir” Jeremy said as he tripped for the door. He could hear Richard’s pleas for him to return as he closed the door.

The next Monday, Jeremy showed up for work very tired. He didn’t sleep well the whole weekend. The scene in Richard’s office played in his head over and over like a .GIF file on a loop. He contemplated resigning.

Tiffany arrived with a strange look on her face. “Did you hear about Richard?”

Jeremy’s heart sank into the black hole that his stomach had become. The word “No” almost didn´t make its way out of the gravity and was almost sucked back into him.

“A hiker found him in his car by the fire tower. He attached a hose to the exhaust and fed it into the inside of the car through a crack in the window. He was already dead when the guy found him but it does look like booze was involved as well”

Jeremy just stared at Tiffany without even blinking.

“I guess the pressure of this place finally got to him. He was such a good man. He’ll be missed” Tiffany said to a hollow shell of a person. Jeremy decided that very moment he would stop treating his body like a science experiment.

The Devastating Effects of Wi-Fi on Bee Populations

6 Dec

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Due to Wi-Fi being a relatively new technology, long term effects on biological systems are rather unknown. Recently, data has come to light on a few medium and short term effects. With the rise of Wi-Fi use and the sharp decline of bee populations, many unproven hypotheses have been made correlating the two phenomena. A study out of New Haven, Connecticut has finally brought some hard evidence to the forefront.

Scientists studied over 75 different hive colonies. At first, the general hypothesis was that Wi-Fi impacted the electro-magnetic systems that the bees use to communicate, their health in general or their reproduction. The latter proved to be true, but the mechanism as to how was shocking.

The queen bee emits a pheromone that make her sexually enticing  to specific drone bees whose job is to copulate with the queen to perpetuate the hive. Once the pheromone is perceived by the drone, he is not satisfied until he has copulated with the queen bee. When a strong Wi-Fi signal is introduced to this dynamic, the message gets scrambled and the drone is not satisfied until he copulates with another male drone. This leads to the devastation of the colony´s population. Reproduction, in essence, ceases.

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Furthermore, upon losing her sexual grip over her drones, the queen loses social control as well.  With the introduction of Wi-Fi, colonies were observed to move towards chaos as the intricate social order breaks down. Complete breakdowns leading to hive destruction have been observed to occur in as little as eight months after a Wi-Fi signal has been introduced.

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One other peculiar observation was the propensity of the drones to intoxicate themselves more often upon contact with Wi-Fi signals. The bee´s preferred mechanism for intoxication is the consumption of certain marigold pollens mixed with the fermented sap of certain coniferous trees. The increase in consumption of intoxicants was observed to increase a minimum of 20 fold and a maximum of 50 fold when Wi-Fi signals were introduced.

In conclusion, Wi-Fi is an essential tool for human society. It does, though, come with some high costs. For the time being, nature is absorbing the most of these costs. When enough of the bee population is eradicated, humans will pick up the costs. Bees are an equally essential tool for human society.

The Peculiar Attraction of the Peacock

19 Sep

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The peacock is a peculiar animal in that the male is the vainer of the two sexes. In our own species, the human species, the female usually devotes more time and attention to their outer appearance. This is the domain of the male in the world of the peacock.

More odd is that the male peacock has been observed to put very little importance in the physical appearance of their female mates. They seem to care a little about height and beak size and that does not even seem to be a deal breaker.  If a female successfully plays into a male´s vanity, she can be quite short and have a relatively small beak, yet will have her target male fawn all over her.  Further research must be done but it is hypothesized that the ability to stroke the male´s ego may be the single greatest asset the female has to win over a mate.

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Not much homosexuality has been observed among the peacock musters studied, but when it has, a dilemma seems to arise. Both males seek the affirmation of their aesthetic but have little to no experience in offering such affirmation so a vicious cycle has been observed to form. Homosexual peacocks go around looking for another male who will placate their need for veneration, yet do not know how to placate this need in their mate. Given this dynamic, very little homosexual copulation has been observed in the musters studied even though a clearly small subset of the population is homosexual.

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There is one more curious phenomenon worth mentioning. The females observed did not demonstrate any concern for the aesthetic of the males. They have been observed to acquire the knowledge of the male´s penchant for this certain type of seduction from older females who have in turn had acquired it from even older ones. In other words, the females don´t even care what the males look like but have learned it is important to the males and have come up with strategies to conquer them using this knowledge to their advantage.

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