Unicorn Sightings on the Rise; Some are Concerned

There has been an alarming increase in unicorn sightings over the past three years. Biologists are baffled as to why. For conservative religious leaders, the rise of homosexual rights and acceptance is to blame. To quote Glad Tidings Universal Church leader and reverend, Blake Crust, “It’s all that gay stuff coming to roost”

For the most part, the sightings have been mostly non-violent. A teen was gored by the single horn of a male unicorn after being dared to simulate manual sexual stimulation on said horn. In the South, another man was trampled to death after shouting “faggot horse” at a unicorn. Besides these isolated incidents, most people report feeling joy or mirth after a sighting.

There has been growing concern for the safety of unicorns, though. Hateful Facebook pages have been flagged and reported en masse. Posts promoting violence and denigrating memes abound in these groups. Pro-Trump groups are unanimously aligned with anti-unicorn factions. Russ Bred, pro-Trump tweeting juggernaut started the popular hashtag #queerponiesdontmaga

Authorities have asked for the public’s help in reporting such groups or pages across social media platforms.

Most people are accepting of unicorns and welcome them. Some see them as a good omen for things to come. No unicorns have come forward for comment. The consensus is they are pro-human. There is a lot more to be learned about the unicorn and scientists are hard at work trying to quench our thirst for knowledge of the divine creature.

Editorial note:

This reporter believes we should embrace the unicorn. They represent everything that is splendid and sublime about our vast universe. There is space for the unicorn and man to exist side by side.

I’m in Miami B****! (part 1)

Alonzo saved money for two years to have a blowout vacation in Miami. He, being from Wisconsin, held ideas about Miami that were quite romanticized to say the least. Miami represented a fantasy of tropical paradise and non-stop partying.

Besides the financial burden, he also prepared for the trip in other ways. For starters, he drank at least three beers a day, usually a few more. This was to build his tolerance to alcohol. He also scoured the internet for information on prolonging male orgasm. Even though he usually had little to no luck with the ladies back home, surely, he fathomed, things would be different in the M I A. He also took to masturbating three times a day to decrease his sensitivity. He was taking this trip very seriously.

His plane touched down in Miami and he could already feel the warm, humid air from inside the taxiing plane. His excitement increased tenfold. As he took off his Green bay Packers hoodie, that he clearly would not need, he felt for his wad of cash to make sure it was safe.

He was going to spare no expense this weekend. The wad was a loaded banana clip to be sprayed all over Miami in his quest for carnal pleasure.

He got his bag and stepped out to hail a taxi. He saw an unmarked car with the driver leaning on the hood. “You want ride? Where you go?” the driver asked with about as much purchase on the English language as Alonzo had on getting by in the streets of a big city.

“Uh, are you a taxi?” he asked.

“No. I good citizen. I like you. I take where you go” the driver smirked. Alonzo stood there dumbfounded until the driver said, “I joke! Of course I taxi”

They both had a laugh, the driver’s genuine, Alonzo’s more of the nervous sort. Being the people pleaser that he was, Alonzo obliged and stepped into the vehicle despite having reservations.

Through the typical taxi chatter, the driver learned that Alonzo was a fish out of water. “You want ticket for club, much beautiful girl. Good for sex. Go with everybody, even you” the driver offered. “I have good discount”

Slightly offended by the last part of the description, but curious about this oasis of feminine promiscuity, Alonzo asked, “How much?”

“At door $400. Me, $250” the driver answered.

Alonzo rationalized that the $150 he would save on admission, he could buy drinks. “How about 200 bucks?” he asked, feeling like a sly negotiator.

“$225. Last offer.” The driver snapped back.

“Deal!” Alonzo said, reaching for the wad with his chest puffed in pride. The cash caught the driver’s eye and his face lit up like a 50’s neon sign.

“….and kok?” the driver asked.

“Kok?” Alonzo asked, nervously wondering what the driver was going on about.

“Kok! You know, sneef, sneef” the driver answered.

“Oh! Coke” Alonzo corrected. This made him a little nervous. He liked to drink a bit but was not into drugs. He bowed to the tension the driver artificially concocted so well, “Uh, ok. How much?”

“I has good kok. One bag, $200”

Alonzo had no idea if that was a good price or a bad price. On instinct, he felt his hand reaching for his phone to Google it but scolded himself in silence. “I’ll take it” The driver took a sandwich bag full of white powder from the glove box and threw it into the back seat. Alonzo quickly stowed it away in the pocket of his jeans he had specifically bought for the trip. The driver let him off in front of his hotel, considerably lighter in cash. He put his things in his room and went to the hotel computer to look up the club for which he bought a ticket .

To be continued…

I’m in Miami B**** (part2)

*****************************************************

 

 

Tricky Cindy

 

Cindy was a mild mannered, mostly jovial and self-described positive person. But one should never bring up the Lidman brothers in front of her. To this day, no one knows what trespasses Steve and Adam committed against her, but their sin must have been mortal because Cindy wanted nothing less than their destruction.

Over the course of a few weeks, she devised what she thought was a pretty good plan. She put it in motion by chatting them both up on a messenger over the internet. She started with small talk and light flirting that escalated to more raunchy conversation. The lewd chats led to exchanging nude photos. The culmination; dates were set for sexual encounters to take place.

When she was with Adam, she told him she was on the pill so they didn’t need to use protection. With Steve, she insisted on using condoms. Given that both men were engaged to be married, their secrecy was secured, even from one another. The affairs went on for three months until she acquired exactly what she wanted, a baby.

She told both men they were the father. They had mixed feelings about the news. On one hand, both were ecstatic they made life. They were both deeply religious men and to them all life was precious, especially life that they brought into existence. On the other hand, this could make their lives turbulent, to say the least and the guilt of betrayal was overwhelming. Neither professed love for Cindy, but both promised to provide for their new offspring.

Given that she was having unprotected sex with Adam, she knew he was the father, but she convinced Steve that he was the only man she had been with recently and furthermore, it was statistically possible to get pregnant even using condoms. He figured a DNA test would make waves and rock the boat of his otherwise dull and stable life. He gave her the benefit of the doubt. With the trap set, she was ready to spring it.

At the forth month of pregnancy, she went to Adam with grave news. She was going to abort his baby and move far away. The news devastated Adam. Besides this being one of the worst sins to his faith, he felt a piece of him was going to die as well. Cindy took extreme pleasure in watching him grovel and beg not to go through with it. She left him a heaping mess and drove off.

Now she set her sights on Steve. She was really going to have to move far away so Adam would believe the abortion story. She moved in with an Aunt in Florida under the guise that she would help the lonely elder woman and in turn receive help during her pregnancy.

She had the baby and made arrangements with Steve for gargantuan child support payments. They were sealed into a contract. The trap was sprung. She got her revenge on the Lidman brothers. Adam believed his unborn son was murdered, though he was actually alive and thriving and Steve was paying a small fortune every month for a child that was not his.

Tonight’s the Night!

 

 

[NSFW] *Note from the author: This story is a little raunchy. If you have delicate sensibilities, it may be wise to move on, otherwise, please enjoy.

 

Tonight was the night Stan had been waiting for since he signed himself up as a participant months ago on Facebook. The event billed itself as the largest orgy North Dakota has ever seen. Stan’s interest in orgies peaked when he saw some graphic videos at the tender age of thirteen.

Stan had no plans for the day, until 8:00pm, the start time. He figured he’d need his stamina so he decided to take an early run before breakfast. On his run, Stan saw a pair of the most beautiful women in spandex leggings. He ran behind them for an extra mile as to not lose his privileged view, even though it meant him going out of his way to do so.

This stimulation was too much for Stan. Upon arrival in his home, he immediately ran to the upstairs bathroom and released his sticky tension into the sink while thinking about those two bodacious bouncing butts that he dutifully trailed. He figured he’d be ok, the event wasn’t for hours and besides, “taking a bullet out of the chamber” would help him last longer, later.

Stan finished his breakfast and thought about how he could kill more than ten hours. He knew he’d have to be careful about getting excited. He needed to save his virility for the orgy.

He went to his room to play video games. He scored a touchdown in a college football game. Cartoon cheerleaders flashed on the screen with exaggerated sensuality and even more exaggerated proportions. This got Stan thinking about the orgy. Before he knew what he was doing, his shorts were down and he was depositing more DNA into a tissue, though considerably less than the first time. That’s ok, he thought, he had hours to recuperate.

After lunch, he got a text from a girl he was flirting with in his Economics class. She said her parents were out of the house and asked if he would like to come over. After a hard fought mental debate with himself, he agreed.

Almost as soon as he arrived he realized he wasn’t there to talk about the finer points of Adam Smith’s invisible hand. She led him to the hot tub, already running, on the back porch, clad in a bikini. They made out for a while and then she slid her hand under the bubbles. She was surprised to find him softer than a cone of ice cream in the hot July sun. He told her he was nervous because he found her so attractive and he had been dreaming of this moment and he couldn’t believe it was coming true. After some serious coaxing, she was able to get him just stiff enough for entrance, where in turn he immediately orgasmed.

He apologized to his disappointed lover and went home. He was a little worried at this point. There were only a few hours until the orgy and he had already had three orgasms that day; the last one being embarrassingly unimpressive.

He took a nap and upon awakening, reached for his cell phone. He flipped through Facebook and Instagram. He came across one of his favorite fitness models and lurked her page for a while. Without consciously realizing it, he was rubbing himself.

As if on some kind of pervert autopilot, he had already clicked over to a porn site and was going to town on his barely erect self. He caught himself in mid-stroke when he thought, “What am I doing? The orgy is tonight!” He couldn’t help himself, though. Stopping at this point would be like taking a steak from the jaws of a famished pit-bull. He finished with a dribble and lamented over it for a while.

As 8:00pm neared, Stan agonized over how he was going to perform after what he had done over the course of the day. Furthermore, he was quite drained and didn’t even feel like going. 8:00 struck and Stan made up his mind. He wasn’t going if it was just to make a fool of himself.

He watched a movie and decided to go to bed. He brushed his teeth and lay down. He looked at Facebook for some time and realized he wasn’t all that sleepy. There was one thing he could do in this situation. He went to his “go to” porn site and typed “orgy”. As the video loaded all he could think was “What is wrong with me?”

 

 

 

For the Kids

“Let’s take the kids to the zoo?” Mindy asked as she meticulously wrapped sandwiches into clear baggies.

“It’s such a bummer for me to see all the animals far away from their natural habitats, not doing their natural things” Katie said as she watched Mindy.

“Oh come on, do it for the kids, they don’t know any better, for them, they are just looking at animals” she said, admiring her growing stack of sandwiches.

“Ok, but I’m gonna leave a joint in the car if I can’t bare the sadness”

“That’s the last thing you’ll want to do, get all hyper sensitive”

“You’re right! I’ll down a few zanbars and bring a squirt bottle with vodka. You’re such a good friend, Mindy!”

Mindy just rolled her eyes.

As the SUV rolled into the parking lot Mindy turned to Katie and said, “Take it easy on that squirt bottle, we have a long day ahead of us. Pace yourself”

“Relax” Katie said with a slight slur. Mindy rolled her eyes once more.

After about an hour into the visit, Katie declared she needed to sit down and catch her breath. She told the group to go along without her and that she would catch up with them later.

As she sat there, counting the seconds, seven to be exact, from the time the sun made light, to the time she felt it on her tingling skin, a handsome zoo worker sat beside her. “Hi, I’m Justin”

“I’m Katie”

“I don’t do this often” Justin lied, “But I’m going to feed the hyenas and I’d like to take you behind the scenes and show you how it’s done” This was Justin’s go to move when he saw a pretty female by herself. He usually offered the more majestic beats, but they have already been fed that day.

“Oh my God, that would be awesome!” Katie said imagining how cool it would be see with her 8 out of 10 buzz going.

When they got behind the hyena pen Justin asked Katie to put rubber slickers over her sneakers. “One important thing, always look down, the hyenas take eye contact as a sign of aggression” Justin warned.

Katie barely paid attention while she fumbled with the slickers. Her foot seemed to be three times larger than the hole.

“Let me help you there” Justin offered. As he slid the slicker on, his hand traveled up to Katie’s thigh. “Oh, sorry” he said.

“That’s ok” Katie assured. Justin moved in for a kiss and Katie acquiesced. For a moment Katie enjoyed it, until her head spun in dizziness and a wave of nausea passed over her. Justin’s hand already found its way up her shirt and onto her breast.

Katie pulled away “Let’s go do this? We can still make out after, I promise”

Usually the women had already succumbed to Justin’s advances or had run away in disgust at this point. He had never actually taken one into the animal holding. He was nervous.

Not seeing a way out he stammered “Ok…”

Katie had already forgotten Justin’s instructions.  She immediately skipped up to a group of resting hyenas, hand outstretched.

“Get back you crazy bitch!” Justin cried.

Mindy and the kids happened to have just wandered up to the hyena pen. “It’s feeding time kids” she said “Oh look, Aunt Katie is in there!”

They hyenas all rose up on their feet, baring teeth, cackles reaching for the sky and with backs arched in an aggressive manner. Katie thought they were being playful.

“Oh no” Justin murmured.

With lightning quickness and a sniper’s precision, the lead hyena jumped up at Katie’s throat. It landed back to the ground with a considerable chunk of flesh in its powerful jaw. The others immediately pounced, toppling Katie. As they tore her to pieces, Justin ran away. He was never seen inside the zoo again. It took the law one month to find him. He, much like the hyenas, ended up spending many years in a steel barred pen.

The Injection

“What if I told you that what’s in here will make you strong as an ox, lean you out and make you bigger?” Mark paused, holding a little vial of golden liquid to the light for dramatic effect, “And there are no side effects, well, bad ones anyway”

“I´d say you’re full of shit for starters and then I’d ask what do you mean by ‘not any bad ones’?” Jeremy answered as he racked the barbell and sat up from the bench.

“I’m not going to acknowledge the first part, but the side effect is that it does something to your pheromones that make some people susceptible to your smell and they go crazy over you. It’s not everyone, but the ones who do, when they get a whiff of who’s using this stuff, watch out” Mark said.

“I’m sorry but that all sounds bogus to me” Jeremy insisted.

“Then try it. For free. One month, actually, this here vial is a one month dose. Just one stick and you are good to go. I guarantee results. You’ll be begging for another in four weeks”

Jeremy’s ears perked up at “free”. He has tried almost every steroid combination known to man. He was not a stranger to putting unknown substances in his body. Even though he was incredulous of the claims, he was certainly willing to pay nothing to find out if they were true or not. “Ok” Jeremy agreed, “Stick me”

*          *          *          *           *          *

The next morning Jeremy felt slightly different. He couldn’t put his finger on what it was but he believed the substance was having an effect. He reached for the chin-up bar in his door jam. He banged out 21 pull-ups, a significant increase from the already impressive 15 in a row he was used to doing.

He got dressed for work and headed out. On the bus, he noticed more people were looking at him than usual. He caught a woman close to him nervously averting her glance. She was staring until he looked over, then she would pretend she was not looking at all.

He arrived at the office, sat down at his cubicle and turned on his computer. His boss, the director of finance, passed by to say his usual good mornings.

“Hey Jeremy how are you…” he said, trailing off as if he had lost his train of thought.

“Great Richard. I’m ahead of schedule on that project you put me on” Jeremy said.

Richard just stared, making Jeremy momentarily uncomfortable. He finally broke his silence with “Did you get a haircut or something, there seems to be something different about you”

“No sir” Jeremy chuckled.

“Well, you’re looking good and hey, about that project, that’s great and all, but really, there is no rush. Get it to me when you can”

“Sure thing, sir” Jeremy smiled. Richard backed away slowly as to not break his privileged view of Jeremy.

Tiffany, Jeremy’s cubicle neighbor arrived in time to witness the awkward scene. “What was that all about?” she asked.

“I have no idea” he answered.

“You do look different” she said, “It’s kind of hot” she offered, half-jokingly.

Jeremy laughed it off, “Thanks Tiff”

*          *          *          *           *          *

A week had passed since the injection. Jeremy was clearly stronger than before. He was breaking all of his all-time best lifts by considerable amounts. His clothes were getting tighter. He felt more energy and he was getting more attention from people, everywhere he went. When he related this to Mark in a text message, the replay was four words: “I told you so”

Late Friday afternoon, Richard called Jeremy into his office.

“Yes, sir?” Jeremy said as he approached Richard’s desk.

“Please, close the door behind you” Richard said. “Let’s get right to this. Your work is impeccable but that’s not why I’ve called you here. This is personal” Richard confessed. Jeremy was very confused.

Richard continued, “I can’t stop thinking about you” he folded his hands together and waited for a response.

“Uh, I don’t know what to say” Jeremy said his face burning with embarrassment.

“Say you’ll go with me to St. Bart’s. Next week. Everything first class and everything paid. There is a big financial conference so we have cover” he said as he rose and approached Jeremy.

“Sir, you’re m-m-married and I’m not, w-w-well, that w-w-ay” Jeremy stuttered. He hadn’t stuttered since junior high school.

“What do you mean ‘that way’?” Richard asked, “Me neither but you have become an obsession of mine, I’ve never seen a man this way. I need you” he moved in for a kiss.

Jeremy bobbed and weaved and took a step back and left Richard’s pursed lips alone in the space between them, kissing air. “Sir!” Jeremy exclaimed.

“I’ll give you a thousand dollars right now. Cash. Just kiss me” Richard said as a crazed look grew in his eyes. Richard’s silky dress pants betrayed his tumescence.

“I have to go sir” Jeremy said as he tripped for the door. He could hear Richard’s pleas for him to return as he closed the door.

The next Monday, Jeremy showed up for work very tired. He didn’t sleep well the whole weekend. The scene in Richard’s office played in his head over and over like a .GIF file on a loop. He contemplated resigning.

Tiffany arrived with a strange look on her face. “Did you hear about Richard?”

Jeremy’s heart sank into the black hole that his stomach had become. The word “No” almost didn´t make its way out of the gravity and was almost sucked back into him.

“A hiker found him in his car by the fire tower. He attached a hose to the exhaust and fed it into the inside of the car through a crack in the window. He was already dead when the guy found him but it does look like booze was involved as well”

Jeremy just stared at Tiffany without even blinking.

“I guess the pressure of this place finally got to him. He was such a good man. He’ll be missed” Tiffany said to a hollow shell of a person. Jeremy decided that very moment he would stop treating his body like a science experiment.

The Long Way Home

*note from author: I debated long and hard if I should post this or not. If you choose to read on, you´ll see it is pretty graphic. X rated, even. A part from a few details in setting, the story is fiction despite the opening line. I really want to make that clear. The exercise was to write a fist person, raunchy story. With that said, reader discretion is advised.

The following story is factually true. Take into consideration it is being told through the distorted lens of a drunken teenage boy. Seventeen years already has history distorting powers. Let´s take into consideration the alcoholic soup the story swims in. Reader discretion advised. Enjoy.

It started off as a typical Friday night. Warm ups included whatever was the cheapest thirty pack of beer the store had to offer and taking turns on the gravity bong. The gravity bong for the uninitiated is simply the most ridiculous homemade device for smoking marijuana. Google it. Ours was a one gallon milk jug in a bucket of water. The same bucket we used to clean the house. Who am I kidding, the house never got cleaned.

We were good and wrecked when somebody suggested we go to frat row in down town New Brunswick, New Jersey to “get fucked up”. We were all attending an educational establishment too embarrassing to mention here, so we piggy backed the party scene at Rutgers University. We decided I was not sober enough to drive so someone else, who was probably equally inebriated but could hide it better, did.

At this stage of my life, Friday and Saturday nights had two purposes. Get wasted on whatever I could get my hands and cumming. The former happened regularly, the latter, at least at the hands of others, not so much. We got to the party and I set my internal radar on drugs, alcohol and any girl with self esteem low enough to touch me. On this fortunate night, I scored on all three fronts.

As I said, full recollection of this story is impossible but some things are still clear. The girl I struck up a conversation with was blond, so skinny she could elicit pity and had awful teeth. I remember the teeth because this is a pet peeve of mine, but I was talking and she was listening so I looked away. I remember playing a few rounds of beer pong when she suggested we find somewhere a little more private to enjoy each other´s company.

The Rutgers frat houses are strange structures. They are the old mansions of Johnson and Johnson executives from a century gone by. They are full of little hidden hallways, staircases and rooms that are hard to imagine what purpose they once served. We found an unoccupied room that only fit a bunk bed. You had to contort you body just to get into the thing. Bingo! We found our love nest.

We started making out and I managed to get her clothes off. She was too drunk to get mine off so I was obliged to help. I don´t remember much from this passionate encounter but I remember a few things. First, we did not have sex. As you will see, it would have better if we had because I would have been able to break her evil spell, get away from her and the rest of the night would not have gone down the way it did. We were then interrupted by a chubby fellow and told to leave the ex slave´s quarters immediately.

I pretended to like her for a few more hours with the hopes that she would make that sneezey feeling in my crotch that seemed to be the focus of my life. The party was winding down and I noticed my ride had left. She offered her place to crash. What a coincidence. I wish I could give more details of what happened next but I really don´t remember.

I do doubt we had intercourse because no black out is stronger than an orgasm. No matter how drunk or high I was, I remember them all and file them to be later used in search of manual relief. When I refer to this night in my mind, a message comes up “file empty”. But the story does not end here.

I woke up in a strange place. I was cold. In fact I was shivering. I pulled the covers over my shoulders. Colder yet. What gives. I looked around. I was clearly in a girl´s room but there was no girl. I put my hand down on the mattress. I realized what had happened. Exactly what I feared most as a twelve year old when I slept over at friend´s houses had happened. I made water in her bed, Miss Daisy. It was a gusher too. Everything was wet. My mind raced despite the pounding headache. I thought about gathering my things and jumping out the window. We were on the third story.

I did what any honorable man in my position would do. I pulled my jeans over my pissed in underwear, put the rest of my clothes on and went down stairs. She didn´t even look up from the television. This I remember as if it were yesterday. I told it was fun and it was nice to have met her. I even remembered my manners and told her she had a lovely home despite the fact it looked like a future hoarders episode. It was a few years away from that but that´s ok because the show hadn´t been invented yet. Like the gentlemen I was, I offered my phone number. She told me to write it on the dry erase board on the fridge. It had the grocery list and I felt bad about erasing it so I left it alone.

This was an age before cell phones. I had no cash for a cab and not even the bus. I was a good five miles from where I lived. Talk about walk of shame? This was the Bataan Death March of shame. I put my head down low and took that walk. I threw up a few times along the way but I made it. I was greeted with a round of high fives. I regaled them with my tale and I was awarded the “green hit” from the gravity bong for my troubles.

Dirty Work

“It´s hard to pay the bills sometimes” Sheila said as she nervously puffed a cigarette and stared out of the window at nothing and everything at the same time. “You got to do what you got to do sometimes”

“Aren´t you ashamed of yourself?” Beth asked. She had just found out Sheila´s secret font of income.

“No!” Sheila said turning her head and fixing her gaze at Beth. “Not for one second”

“Calm down, Sheila. I am not saying that you should be. I am just asking as a friend”

“Well, stop asking. I don´t want to talk about it” Sheila said as she freed another cigarette from the pack and lit it with the burning filter of the last one. “What the fuck were you doing there in the first place?”

“I go there sometimes. That´s all” Beth said, now feeling the spot light of shame shining on her. “Listen, we all do things for money that we are not proud of sometimes. It´s ok.”

“No, we don´t! There are many people in this world that do not even have to do anything to get stuff. They were just born with stuff. They do not have to humiliate themselves ever and they even get to live better than those who do!” Sheila said now crying.

“Listen, Sheila, that´s life. Some people are born with everything, some are born with nothing. Some are born healthy, some are born dead! That´s just the way it goes. It is what it is” Beth stopped when she realized she sounded like a cliché reproducing robot.

“Well I was not born to greet people as they come into Wal-mart!” Sheila said, her eyes now furiously pouring tears.

 

Serfs Up!

 

Merek was a serf that lived in what is today a suburb of Munster, Germany. He was tied to an estate owned by Lord Althalos where he had to work the land and hand over around 25 percent of what he produced. If you look at today´s tax rates, that´s not so bad, but it is beside the point. Merek was married to the beautiful Ryia. She was one of the most beautiful serfs in all the land. Her beauty transcended her poverty in a way that female beauty has a tendency of doing.

But like most men, 5 years after taking the nuptial nose dive, Merek grew tired of performing his husbandly duties with Ryia and his eyes grew for Duraina, the wife of his boss and essentially owner, Althalos. Merek knew that the feeling was mutual. Many hints were given. At the same time, there was a lot of social upheaval going on. They didn´t know it at the time, but the end of an epoch was upon them and the birth of another was awaking. Serfs were breaking their chains and going onto other fiefdoms in search of better conditions. In the way Merek was tired of making love to Ryia, he was tired of making such low wages.

He was being courted by the land owner Xalvador who was not only offering a more fertile land to work, but would ask for a lower percentage of the yield making the deal extremely attractive. Merek not only wanted to go to Xalvador´s land, but he wanted to do so alone. He knew what he would have to do. Althalos would never let him go and neither would Ryia without a really good reason. Merek thought he knew what would motivate them to let him move along.

Summer came and went and autumn gave way to a brutal winter. Spring offered much relief. As the land was thawing and Merek was preparing his tools to work the land a messenger came on horseback.

“Merek, you presence is being demanded in Lord Althalos’ main quarters” the messenger said gravely.

Merek prepared a snack for the day long journey, gave a kiss on the cheek to Ryia and was on his way.

He was met at the front door by Althalos who was red in the face from drink and rage.

“You bastard, lowly serf!” Althalos said. “I should have you burned at the stake!”

“Whatever is this all about, my lord?” Merek asked, faking ignorance.

“My eyes are blue and my hair, golden blond! The baby…well the baby has black peasant eyes and the dark locks of poverty!” Althalos was stumbling as he spoke. “You are to get off my land by sunset or you shall meet they maker”

“I am sure you are mistaken, my lord, but as you wish” Merek said, faking concern.

“As you wish” Merek thought to himself and had to turn his back quickly as to hide his grin. Both his feudal boss and faithful wife never wanted to see him again.

Christian Chicks

 

“Why are you always going after Christian girls, Tony?” Nick asked.

“Well, I figure, they already beleive in stupid shit, so it is easy to convince them to come to bed with me” Tony replied matter of factly, as if he has been rehearsing this answer for some time.

“I never thought of it that way. But don’t they get all moral on you when things start to get hot and heavy?” Nick asked.

“Not really. You see, most of these Christian chicks are pretty messed up. If they didn’t have Jesus in thier life, they’d probably be drunks or drug users. So in that way, they have that thrill seeking gene. They get all Jesus upped at church on the weekend the same way some chicks get all decked out and sloppy at a club. During the week, the club chick don’t think about the club and the Christian girl don’t think about Jesus until Sunday. They are pretty similar in that way. But the Christians chicks are clean.”

“Wow, you got it all figured out, don’t you Tony” Nick said with admiration in his voice.

“Of course not. But it works for me” Tony said.

“I just have one more question. Don’t you feel bad that you are condemning them to a future of eternity in hell?” Nick asked.

With that question, Tony let out a roaring laugh that was so contagious that Nick couldn’t help but join him.