A Speedy Recovery Part 1

As the fiscal year was winding down, Carl realized that his sandwich shop might not break even for the first time since opening. He had even made a nominal profit his first year in business. A more health conscience public and a rough overall economy were his proverbial rock and a hard place.

He tried a marketing campaign on social media, but the coupons had an error and he ended up losing money every time someone redeemed one. He tried having an in-store even but his brother got so drunk he embarrassed himself and Carl. That event was deemed a disaster. He even tried taking the healthy approach to sandwich making but that, too, fell flat.

One slow afternoon, Carl was googling small business consultants when his ne’er-do-well friend form high school, Dustin, barged in.

“Hey man! How you doing? It’s been a while. Shop’s looking good. Got any water?” Dustin said in what seemed like one breath and with incredible speed.

“Hi, Dustin” Carl replied, “You can grab a water from the fridge”

Dustin paced around the empty tables in a curious manner to get to the beverages. “Thanks man. Hey, it’s lunchtime, why so empty?” he then drained the bottle of water and let out a loud “Ahhhhh”

Carl sighed, “Everyone’s on the low carb kick and if you take the bread away, what is a sandwich?” he asked rhetorically.

“Uhhh, a shitty salad?” Dustin earnestly answered, getting a chuckle from Carl.

“You’re a little extra fidgety today, what the hell you on this time?” Carl asked.

“A little bit of this, a little bit of that” Dustin smirked.

“You haven’t changed a bit” Carl laughed.

Dustin startled Carl when he exclaimed with all the animation he could muster “I can save your store and make some cash too!!!”

“Dustin, if it’s illegal I don’t…”

“Just hear me out!”

 

To be continued…..

A Speedy Recovery Part 2

Going Viral

Howard was obsessed with making a viral video. He was constantly filming in the hope of catching a magic moment that would be shared worldwide by hundreds of millions of people. It was starting to affect his relationships with friends and family. Furthermore, it was affecting his sanity and decision making.

Howard once got a taste of what it might be like to have a video go viral. He caught his cat peeing on his bed while making a funny face. The video got 50,000 hits on YouTube; a good start. A still shot of cat’s face was turned into a mildly popular meme. This helped fuel Howard’s obsession.

Howard filmed himself sleeping, eating and even using the bathroom. When it was brought to his attention he was trying to do this so masses of people he didn’t even know would watch and possibly give some kind of worthless internet point, such as a like, he shrugged it off. A co-worker suggested that he stage a video. Howard rejected the outright. He considered himself a purest.

One night he heard hissing in his backyard. He ran to see what it was. He tripped over a rake that he didn’t see because he was fumbling with his phone to film what was happening. Just as his foot caught the rake, he hit record. The phone flew from his hand. It landed on two parallel wash lines in such a way that it continued recording perfectly from a good aerial vantage.

Writhing on the floor in pain, Howard saw what the commotion was about. A raccoon had his cat cornered on the porch. Its overly aggressive behavior and the foam coming from its mouth indicated one thing; rabies.

Howard had hurt his leg badly and was completely immobilized. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that the phone was recording. He said a quick prayer asking that his fall had been recorded as well.

When he focused his attention on his cat, his emotions were torn. On one hand, he loved Mr. Dinkle and didn’t want anything to happen to him. On the other hand, if the raccoon tore him to pieces, he’d have it on tape, sure to generate a lot of views and likes. The problem with that was, depending on how violent and bloody the attack was certain platforms like Instagram may not allow such a video. That would greatly reduce shares and in turn, decrease viralability.

His brow was dripping with sweat. He had decided on rooting for the attack to happen. There was a chance it would not get too violent, therefore able to go viral. No attack would mean no video and all would be for naught, unless the raccoon and the cat hugged it out, but that was highly unlikely. He saw an opportunity to guarantee the attack.

He reached for a fallen broom to prod the raccoon. This would surely provoke the attack, he thought. The plan backfired. The raccoon turned around and attacked the source of the provocation.

At first, it bit his boney hand until moving on to the much fleshier face of Howard. His nose was gone in one bite. His cheeks were shredded and his neck chewed on before the raccoon darted off into the night. Howard passed out in pain and in a pool of his own blood. He woke up the next day in the hospital.

“You’re lucky your neighbor heard you groaning” the nurse said. “But you are not out of the woods yet. You are all infected and the rabies could still be fatal”

“Where’s my phone?” was his only response.

The nurse rolled her eyes and pointed to the stand next to his bed.

He went right for the video. The whole attack was caught on tape. He was ecstatic, though smiling hurt and one would never know with his half missing face. He immediately uploaded the video.

He obsessively kept checking his stats for the next few hours. The only hits registering were his from going to the video to check the stats. “What’s a guy gotta do to go viral?” he said aloud.

Over the course of the night, Howard slipped into a coma. He didn’t make it until morning. The rabies took him to where there was no internet access.

The news picked up the story. First it was only local news, but the story showed to have legs. The cable news channels picked it up. There wasn’t much going on that day and they had 24 hours to fill. And fill them they did. Hours were dedicated to the story. Rabies experts chimed in, urban wildlife experts debated with urban planners and talking heads about the future of the raccoon in modern America.

In the meantime, the video blew up. By noon, it had millions of hits. There were already parody videos and a few reaction videos. It was a trending topic on Twitter. Howard finally went viral.

Tonight’s the Night!

 

 

[NSFW] *Note from the author: This story is a little raunchy. If you have delicate sensibilities, it may be wise to move on, otherwise, please enjoy.

 

Tonight was the night Stan had been waiting for since he signed himself up as a participant months ago on Facebook. The event billed itself as the largest orgy North Dakota has ever seen. Stan’s interest in orgies peaked when he saw some graphic videos at the tender age of thirteen.

Stan had no plans for the day, until 8:00pm, the start time. He figured he’d need his stamina so he decided to take an early run before breakfast. On his run, Stan saw a pair of the most beautiful women in spandex leggings. He ran behind them for an extra mile as to not lose his privileged view, even though it meant him going out of his way to do so.

This stimulation was too much for Stan. Upon arrival in his home, he immediately ran to the upstairs bathroom and released his sticky tension into the sink while thinking about those two bodacious bouncing butts that he dutifully trailed. He figured he’d be ok, the event wasn’t for hours and besides, “taking a bullet out of the chamber” would help him last longer, later.

Stan finished his breakfast and thought about how he could kill more than ten hours. He knew he’d have to be careful about getting excited. He needed to save his virility for the orgy.

He went to his room to play video games. He scored a touchdown in a college football game. Cartoon cheerleaders flashed on the screen with exaggerated sensuality and even more exaggerated proportions. This got Stan thinking about the orgy. Before he knew what he was doing, his shorts were down and he was depositing more DNA into a tissue, though considerably less than the first time. That’s ok, he thought, he had hours to recuperate.

After lunch, he got a text from a girl he was flirting with in his Economics class. She said her parents were out of the house and asked if he would like to come over. After a hard fought mental debate with himself, he agreed.

Almost as soon as he arrived he realized he wasn’t there to talk about the finer points of Adam Smith’s invisible hand. She led him to the hot tub, already running, on the back porch, clad in a bikini. They made out for a while and then she slid her hand under the bubbles. She was surprised to find him softer than a cone of ice cream in the hot July sun. He told her he was nervous because he found her so attractive and he had been dreaming of this moment and he couldn’t believe it was coming true. After some serious coaxing, she was able to get him just stiff enough for entrance, where in turn he immediately orgasmed.

He apologized to his disappointed lover and went home. He was a little worried at this point. There were only a few hours until the orgy and he had already had three orgasms that day; the last one being embarrassingly unimpressive.

He took a nap and upon awakening, reached for his cell phone. He flipped through Facebook and Instagram. He came across one of his favorite fitness models and lurked her page for a while. Without consciously realizing it, he was rubbing himself.

As if on some kind of pervert autopilot, he had already clicked over to a porn site and was going to town on his barely erect self. He caught himself in mid-stroke when he thought, “What am I doing? The orgy is tonight!” He couldn’t help himself, though. Stopping at this point would be like taking a steak from the jaws of a famished pit-bull. He finished with a dribble and lamented over it for a while.

As 8:00pm neared, Stan agonized over how he was going to perform after what he had done over the course of the day. Furthermore, he was quite drained and didn’t even feel like going. 8:00 struck and Stan made up his mind. He wasn’t going if it was just to make a fool of himself.

He watched a movie and decided to go to bed. He brushed his teeth and lay down. He looked at Facebook for some time and realized he wasn’t all that sleepy. There was one thing he could do in this situation. He went to his “go to” porn site and typed “orgy”. As the video loaded all he could think was “What is wrong with me?”