Fear of High

 

“I’m exhausted” Adie said aloud, though to herself, as she poured vodka into a glass. She had just put her baby, Belle, to bed after much fussing. As she put the bottle down, she reached for a half smoked joint. She went right to the kitchen window and smoked what was left.

The alcohol and marijuana always offered the same one-two punch. The booze numbed her while the weed sunk her into a pit of guilt and memories, deep inside her mind. She sat down on the couch with a familiar feeling of satisfactory intoxication and echoing regret.

“Why am I here again?” she pondered. The feeling was compounded by knowing she told herself she would “take a break” today, when she woke up with a slight headache from the previous night’s exaggerated indulgence.

These thoughts vanished like a puff of smoke in the wind when she heard a desperate scratching at the front door of her apartment. At first she thought it was a cat. Then she thought, but how? None of the neighbors on her floor even had a cat.

Furthermore, how would a cat get through the front door of the building and past security? After that feat, it would have had to either used the elevator or managed to open two fire doors and climbed the stairs to the fifth floor.

She was petrified with fear. The scratching continued, slightly more frantic now. Belle started crying. Belle only woke if she was sick. Something must be dreadfully wrong. Adie rushed into the baby’s room and immediately locked the door behind her.

She soothed the agitated baby; herself shaking all over. She couldn’t focus on a single thought of the many swirling in her head but they were all colored by terror. “What kind of mother am I?” she thought. “I can’t even protect my daughter, I’m so high”

As Belle calmed down, Adie fought back sobs. She put the baby back down to bed and went to confront the threat.

“If I die tonight protecting Belle” she thought, “At least my life was useful for something. Up to this point I’ve been a worthless loser” Calling for help was completely out of the question when Adie was in this state. Her paranoia of people didn’t even let her answer her phone when she was like this. Hearing footsteps in the communal hall sent her into panic so she knew she had to conquer this on her own.

She fumbled with her purse for the mace and stun-gun she had never used. Everything fell to the floor. Between the panic and the inebriation, her motor skills were compromised.

The scratching reduced but had not ceased. As she walked to the door, she played out many scenarios in her head. None ended well for her. After what felt like a long journey, she made it to the door.

First, she undid the chain, then the bolt. When she went for the lock on the doorknob the scratching picked up in intensity. She threw open the door. A shadowy figure darted for the couch. In the melee she couldn’t make out what it was.

Her eyes focused. There sitting on the back of the couch was Hope, her very own cat. In her intoxication she had forgotten she had one. That night she promised she’d reel it in and clean herself up. It wasn’t the first time she made that vow and it wasn’t the last.

 

Questions Answered

Reed stood in his large office with his glare fixed on Central Park through the plate glass window as he was apt to do right after lunch. The same thought, like clockwork, echoed through his mind as it always did at this time. “How did I get here?”

Reed came from two parents that stayed together for his sake although it was probably more damaging for them to have done so. He had no guidance growing up. He had no positive role model to follow. The role models he did have to follow, if he had followed them, would not have led him to this current location in time and space. He was deathly aware of this.

Reed had the fortune of having a professor at his local community college take an interest in him. This professor recognized that Reed had potential. He took him under his wing and when he felt it was time, unleashed him unto to the world. Reed has since been directly responsible for creating at least 1000 jobs in the metro New York area, indirectly 1000´s more and generating countless millions of dollars in wealth.

None of these accomplishments satiated Reed. He still felt like the kid in class with the cheapest sneakers despite now wearing thousand dollar shoes. He still felt like the kid cut from the high school football team despite funding three local high schools’ football programs for over a decade. He still felt like the kid who was rejected by the only girl he had a crush on in all his short pubescent years despite being pursued by some of the most beautiful women New York high society has to offer.

He felt empty. He felt he had to do something with his life.

One morning on his way into the office he was listening to an interview with a musician he had liked since he was a kid. The interviewee went on about an experience he had in the jungles of Peru. He had taken a substance called Ayahuasca, a hallucinogen made from jungle plants, and he had a profound life changing, spiritual experience.

Reed felt this was just what he needed to find what it was that he was looking for. He briefed his secretary, Meredith, on his wish and gave her the order to book a trip. He also asked her to book herself on the trip because she was going along with him. She was taken aback at first but she soon warmed to the idea.

Due to the popularity of the interview Reed had heard, trips of this nature were booked for months in advance. He only wanted the best retreat so he obliged to wait ten months. Knowing this was to be a life changing experience he wanted to get closer to his travel companion. He and Meredith decided to have dinner at least once a week, twice if schedule permitted, to get to know each other a little better. Clear ground rules were laid down as to the platonic nature of the encounters.

Due to Reed´s charm and aided by Meredith’s stunning good looks, those rules went right out the window. On the third dinner they could not keep their hands off each other as they went to say goodbye. From that encounter on, they followed each dinner with a trip to a five star hotel where they would take out their lust on one another.

Two months into this situation, Meredith stopped getting her period. She was pregnant. There was no doubt in her mind as to who was the father. Reed´s mind was not so free of doubt. He fathomed, if he could have her so easily and her being as attractive as she was, surely there was a line of suitors.

This doubt did not stop Reed from financially supporting Meredith’s pregnancy, but it held him back emotionally. He kept her at a distance. The months went by and Meredith’s belly grew.

Meredith came into Reed´s office with some news from the doctor. She explained that the doctor was afraid there were some complications and that a cesarean section was to be performed instead of a natural birth. There was even a chance the baby, Meredith or both would not make it. Reed felt a shameful wave of relief and it made him sick.

The day came for the baby to arrive. Reed had everything arranged but was not planning on being present for the delivery. At the last minute he got in a cab and made it to the hospital on time. Meredith was in the operating room. Reed was prepped and allowed in. The doctor kept asking Reed if he wanted to see the work in progress. He said no thank you and stayed by Meredith’s head. She did not look so well. Tears were streaming down her eyes though she was not visibly sad or in pain.

Reed picked Meredith’s limp hand off the bed and held it. He looked at her and felt pity. How did he get here, he asked himself. A sharp cry pierced the air. It was the baby. He, as the doctor informed them, was born.

Reed´s first thought was that it looked nothing like him. Of course, like most new borns, it barely looked like a human. Some of the monitors that Meredith was hooked up to started to make awful sounds. Even though Reed did not understand the beeps and the flashes, his instincts told him they were not good. The doctor asked Reed to go to the father´s lounge and that everything would be okay and he would see the baby in just a little while.

Reed paced nervously in the lounge. The other fathers noticed how he was exceptionally agitated and tried to calm him down. How did he get here, that infernal question raced through his head. After around a half an hour the doctor came in with bad news. Meredith did not make it. She passed not long after he had left the operating room. All Reed could think of was the moment took her hand out of his and put it back on the bed. That was the last contact he had with her while she was still on this planet alive. The scene of the hands flashed in his mind on replay. He felt like punishing himself with the pain the scene made him feel. Finally, the doctor interrupted him.

He asked if he wanted to hold the baby and Reed said yes. He sat down in one of the over sized chairs and the nurse came in with the baby. She place it in his arms. He trembled. For the first time in a long time, the question of how he got there did not bounce off the walls of his inner mind. He saw this being and his mission became clear. He cried like he had never cried in his life.

Reed never took that trip into the jungle. In about a month´s time all doubt was lifted as to who was the biological father. The baby looked just like him. It didn´t matter to Reed though, he already was the baby´s father. Everyday upon waking, Reed spoke with Meredith for five to ten minutes. At first he thought it was a little insane. Now it is as necessary a part of his life as breathing. He has stopped asking for forgiveness and now just tells her how the baby is and tells her of his progress.

Reed no longer asks how he got here. He just knows that he is here and that is all that matters.

 

Don´t be afraid

 

Sammy had a profound fear of going to sleep . One year ago, on her fifth birthday, her grandfather was moved into her family’s home under hospice care. A short three months later he passed in his sleep. Sammy was the one who found him. She went into his room to hear the daily story Grand Pop would make up on the spot for her. She ended up staying in his room playing with the corpse for about an hour until her mother found her. For the past nine or so months, bedtime has been a nightmare for all involved.

One morning she woke up and proclaimed that this would be the night that she would overcome this fear and go to bed with no hassle. Her parents were elated. They were at their wits end. They had no idea what to do to this point. She had seen psychiatrists, sleep medical professionals, even a mystic in an attempt to eradicate this fear of sleep. Her health was deteriorating as a result. She was gaunt. The lack of sleep curbed her appetite and stunted her growth.

As the day slipped by, Sammy nervously eyed the clock. With every passing hour she knew she´d have to go to that scary place, her bed. And she did not forget her promise to her parents. It was the middle of summer so the day was long. But, as it must, the sun started to set. Sammy’s courage started to wane. As the sunlight subsided, her fear grew until she was as terrified as it was dark outside.

As the clock drew close to ten o’clock she solemnly went into the living room where her parents were watching a movie. She told them that she would go to bed by herself. Her father objected. He noticed that she was visibly shaking. He wanted to at least comfort her through this milestone but she objected. She told them that she had to do this alone.

Around 11 o’clock her father snuck up the stairs to see if she was asleep. She was. He father felt as if a huge weight was lifted from his shoulders. He backed out of this room, closing the door behind him and made his way to the stairs, very excited to share this news with his wife. As he crossed the threshold into the living room ready to give his wife the good report there was what seemed like an explosion. The house shook. The world shook. Then there was the sounds of crashing all around him. He grabbed his wife and dove back under the threshold. That was the safest place to be during an earthquake, so he was repeatedly told during his time in Elementary school.

The shaking went on for what felt like an eternity but was in fact not more than a few brief moments in time. He looked around and there was a lot of damage around him. Car alarms were blasting in the background. His wife and his only thought went to Sammy. As they made their way to the stairs they were hit with a blow to their senses that was rivaled by none other. The stairs were flattened. There was smoke coming from the rubble. It was as if a mighty palm came down from the heavens and squashed their dreams. Their home, their beloved daughter, their everything was gone.

Around a year after the incident, Sammy’s father was finishing a quick Chinese food lunch before having to go back to work. He almost never ate the fortune cookie and usually didn´t even bother to read the message inside. Today he decided to have the fortune cookie. He clumsily ripped open the plastic and cracked the cookie in half. The message inside brought back feelings of pain that had only slightly started to subside.

You can overcome your fears, but what you are afraid of can still get you.

 

The Older Woman

There she lay, glistening in a sensual sizzle. The straps of her bikini undone, dangling from the sides of her folding chair tempting him in a way that brought physical pain to his loins.

He watched her from the kitchen window. She was getting her afternoon sun on her well worked body. His teenage erection was completely unhidden in his knee length basketball shorts, sans underwear. The feeling of the silky fabric rubbing on him every time he moved his hips made it difficult for him to stand still. He looked like a novice hula dancer swaying his hips so erratically.

Her body was perfect and not just for a woman of her age, though she wore her 50 years fabulously, but for a woman of any age. A rare mix of great genetics and vanity, she took very good care of herself. She had no idea that she had an audience at the moment.

His vision was going in and out of blurry spells, the fire so stoked in his loins. He couldn´t take it. He needed release. He promised himself he wouldn´t do this anymore. He had asked his pastor if this behavior was all right and as he expected, was told no. He prayed to make these feelings go away. But they didn´t. It did not help that prayer time was so close to same time where he was left alone with his thoughts in the dark. With no one around. No one watching.

He asked God to forgive him one more time as he reached for the cooking oil. He splashed a little in his palm. It was enough. In fact, it was unnecessary as there was enough Cowper’s fluid accumulated that it looked as though he had wet himself a little.

He reached into his shorts and almost instantly a wave of delicious shame pulsated through his body. He felt amazing and awful as his eyes fluttered and became difficult to keep open. He even uttered an audible ‘uh’. His knees went weak and then he felt panic. She was tying her bikini up. She was coming inside.

The orgasm hadn´t even fully finished and she was steps away from the back door. He didn´t know what to do so he and his handful of shame opened the door to the basement. He didn´t even think about turning on the light. He just stumbled down the stairs into the musty darkness.

“What do you want for lunch” called the voice of the once object of his deepest desire.

A shaky voice came from the darkness of the basement. “Nothing, Mom.”

Mommy go night night…

The baby won`t sleep. The baby won`t sleep! THE BABY WON`T SLEEP!

These words reverberated through her head as if they were screamed into a canyon and now bouncing off the smooth rock walls. As she heard the gentle coos coming from the other room, she sat in her arm chair sobbing. “Why am I such a terrible mother” she thought. “I can’t even get my baby to sleep” Strange ideas raced through her head. Meditate? Send positive energy through the ether towards the baby. No, that`s for “hippies”. How about a rum soaked cotton ball? No, that’s so turn of the century. The last one.

Then her mind really started getting the better of her. “What if the baby’s neural pathways become underdeveloped due to lack of sleep?”

“What if the baby does not get into a good university because of the damage being done by the lack of REM” Or worse, “What if she ends up marrying a loser and creating a white trash family because, gasp, she doesn’t know any better?!”

Now she was frantically searching for answers.

Eureka!

She went under the sink and got the 1 liter bottle of Jim Beam Extra Rye. Then, she quietly got out the baby’s 300ML Advent bottle. She carefully poured the foul smelling, golden brown liquid into the bottle all the way to the 300ML mark.

Then she sat back down on her chair. “Are you really going to do this?” she thought. “What kind of mother are you?” Then her inner voice said to her, “It’s the only way”

So with that, she got up, went back to the sink, grabbed the bottle and like a kamikaze soldier falling on her own sword, downed every last drop. Then, she plopped back down on to her chair. Miraculously, the sounds coming from the baby`s room began to fade. Either the baby was falling into gentle slumber, or at least mommy was.