The baby won`t sleep. The baby won`t sleep! THE BABY WON`T SLEEP!
These words reverberated through her head as if they were screamed into a canyon and now bouncing off the smooth rock walls. As she heard the gentle coos coming from the other room, she sat in her arm chair sobbing. “Why am I such a terrible mother” she thought. “I can’t even get my baby to sleep” Strange ideas raced through her head. Meditate? Send positive energy through the ether towards the baby. No, that`s for “hippies”. How about a rum soaked cotton ball? No, that’s so turn of the century. The last one.
Then her mind really started getting the better of her. “What if the baby’s neural pathways become underdeveloped due to lack of sleep?”
“What if the baby does not get into a good university because of the damage being done by the lack of REM” Or worse, “What if she ends up marrying a loser and creating a white trash family because, gasp, she doesn’t know any better?!”
Now she was frantically searching for answers.
Eureka!
She went under the sink and got the 1 liter bottle of Jim Beam Extra Rye. Then, she quietly got out the baby’s 300ML Advent bottle. She carefully poured the foul smelling, golden brown liquid into the bottle all the way to the 300ML mark.
Then she sat back down on her chair. “Are you really going to do this?” she thought. “What kind of mother are you?” Then her inner voice said to her, “It’s the only way”
So with that, she got up, went back to the sink, grabbed the bottle and like a kamikaze soldier falling on her own sword, downed every last drop. Then, she plopped back down on to her chair. Miraculously, the sounds coming from the baby`s room began to fade. Either the baby was falling into gentle slumber, or at least mommy was.
By Ryan 