Tag Archives: drugs

I’m in Miami B****! (part 1)

3 Jul

Miami 1

Alonzo saved money for two years to have a blowout vacation in Miami. He, being from Wisconsin, held ideas about Miami that were quite romanticized to say the least. Miami represented a fantasy of tropical paradise and non-stop partying.

Besides the financial burden, he also prepared for the trip in other ways. For starters, he drank at least three beers a day, usually a few more. This was to build his tolerance to alcohol. He also scoured the internet for information on prolonging male orgasm. Even though he usually had little to no luck with the ladies back home, surely, he fathomed, things would be different in the M I A. He also took to masturbating three times a day to decrease his sensitivity. He was taking this trip very seriously.

His plane touched down in Miami and he could already feel the warm, humid air from inside the taxiing plane. His excitement increased tenfold. As he took off his Green bay Packers hoodie, that he clearly would not need, he felt for his wad of cash to make sure it was safe.

He was going to spare no expense this weekend. The wad was a loaded banana clip to be sprayed all over Miami in his quest for carnal pleasure.

He got his bag and stepped out to hail a taxi. He saw an unmarked car with the driver leaning on the hood. “You want ride? Where you go?” the driver asked with about as much purchase on the English language as Alonzo had on getting by in the streets of a big city.

“Uh, are you a taxi?” he asked.

“No. I good citizen. I like you. I take where you go” the driver smirked. Alonzo stood there dumbfounded until the driver said, “I joke! Of course I taxi”

They both had a laugh, the driver’s genuine, Alonzo’s more of the nervous sort. Being the people pleaser that he was, Alonzo obliged and stepped into the vehicle despite having reservations.

Through the typical taxi chatter, the driver learned that Alonzo was a fish out of water. “You want ticket for club, much beautiful girl. Good for sex. Go with everybody, even you” the driver offered. “I have good discount”

Slightly offended by the last part of the description, but curious about this oasis of feminine promiscuity, Alonzo asked, “How much?”

“At door $400. Me, $250” the driver answered.

Alonzo rationalized that the $150 he would save on admission, he could buy drinks. “How about 200 bucks?” he asked, feeling like a sly negotiator.

“$225. Last offer.” The driver snapped back.

“Deal!” Alonzo said, reaching for the wad with his chest puffed in pride. The cash caught the driver’s eye and his face lit up like a 50’s neon sign.

“….and kok?” the driver asked.

“Kok?” Alonzo asked, nervously wondering what the driver was going on about.

“Kok! You know, sneef, sneef” the driver answered.

“Oh! Coke” Alonzo corrected. This made him a little nervous. He liked to drink a bit but was not into drugs. He bowed to the tension the driver artificially concocted so well, “Uh, ok. How much?”

“I has good kok. One bag, $200”

Alonzo had no idea if that was a good price or a bad price. On instinct, he felt his hand reaching for his phone to Google it but scolded himself in silence. “I’ll take it” The driver took a sandwich bag full of white powder from the glove box and threw it into the back seat. Alonzo quickly stowed it away in the pocket of his jeans he had specifically bought for the trip. The driver let him off in front of his hotel, considerably lighter in cash. He put his things in his room and went to the hotel computer to look up the club for which he bought a ticket .

To be continued…

I’m in Miami B**** (part2)

*****************************************************

 

 

For the Kids

16 Apr

hyena

“Let’s take the kids to the zoo?” Mindy asked as she meticulously wrapped sandwiches into clear baggies.

“It’s such a bummer for me to see all the animals far away from their natural habitats, not doing their natural things” Katie said as she watched Mindy.

“Oh come on, do it for the kids, they don’t know any better, for them, they are just looking at animals” she said, admiring her growing stack of sandwiches.

“Ok, but I’m gonna leave a joint in the car if I can’t bare the sadness”

“That’s the last thing you’ll want to do, get all hyper sensitive”

“You’re right! I’ll down a few zanbars and bring a squirt bottle with vodka. You’re such a good friend, Mindy!”

Mindy just rolled her eyes.

As the SUV rolled into the parking lot Mindy turned to Katie and said, “Take it easy on that squirt bottle, we have a long day ahead of us. Pace yourself”

“Relax” Katie said with a slight slur. Mindy rolled her eyes once more.

After about an hour into the visit, Katie declared she needed to sit down and catch her breath. She told the group to go along without her and that she would catch up with them later.

As she sat there, counting the seconds, seven to be exact, from the time the sun made light, to the time she felt it on her tingling skin, a handsome zoo worker sat beside her. “Hi, I’m Justin”

“I’m Katie”

“I don’t do this often” Justin lied, “But I’m going to feed the hyenas and I’d like to take you behind the scenes and show you how it’s done” This was Justin’s go to move when he saw a pretty female by herself. He usually offered the more majestic beats, but they have already been fed that day.

“Oh my God, that would be awesome!” Katie said imagining how cool it would be see with her 8 out of 10 buzz going.

When they got behind the hyena pen Justin asked Katie to put rubber slickers over her sneakers. “One important thing, always look down, the hyenas take eye contact as a sign of aggression” Justin warned.

Katie barely paid attention while she fumbled with the slickers. Her foot seemed to be three times larger than the hole.

“Let me help you there” Justin offered. As he slid the slicker on, his hand traveled up to Katie’s thigh. “Oh, sorry” he said.

“That’s ok” Katie assured. Justin moved in for a kiss and Katie acquiesced. For a moment Katie enjoyed it, until her head spun in dizziness and a wave of nausea passed over her. Justin’s hand already found its way up her shirt and onto her breast.

Katie pulled away “Let’s go do this? We can still make out after, I promise”

Usually the women had already succumbed to Justin’s advances or had run away in disgust at this point. He had never actually taken one into the animal holding. He was nervous.

Not seeing a way out he stammered “Ok…”

Katie had already forgotten Justin’s instructions.  She immediately skipped up to a group of resting hyenas, hand outstretched.

“Get back you crazy bitch!” Justin cried.

Mindy and the kids happened to have just wandered up to the hyena pen. “It’s feeding time kids” she said “Oh look, Aunt Katie is in there!”

They hyenas all rose up on their feet, baring teeth, cackles reaching for the sky and with backs arched in an aggressive manner. Katie thought they were being playful.

“Oh no” Justin murmured.

With lightning quickness and a sniper’s precision, the lead hyena jumped up at Katie’s throat. It landed back to the ground with a considerable chunk of flesh in its powerful jaw. The others immediately pounced, toppling Katie. As they tore her to pieces, Justin ran away. He was never seen inside the zoo again. It took the law one month to find him. He, much like the hyenas, ended up spending many years in a steel barred pen.

Aghast Pt. 3

29 Mar

psych aghast

Leticia listened to distorted versions of her radio hits on a loop that seemed to have gone on for an eternity. She felt herself breaking. With tears running down the inside and outside of her cheeks she whispered “I’ll be true to me”

The voice goaded her “Say it again, baby”

“I’ll be true to me”

“Louder!”

“I’ll be true to ME!”

She filled her lungs with what she felt was the love of the universe and blasted out “I’LL BE TRUE TO ME!”

Suddenly, everything went white and familiar voices surrounded her. She could make out Dawson’s raspy voice “What’s she saying… Hold up! She’s coming to!”

Leticia was still mouthing “I´ll be true to me…” when she realized, despite a splitting headache, reality was returning to the way she remembered it for most her life. There were medics all around her. “What happened?” she asked.

“There was a gas leak, hun. You passed out. We found you writhing on the floor muttering some phrase over and over, we couldn’t make it out, though” Dawson informed her.

“I’ll be true to me?” Leticia asked.

“Yeah, that sounds about right” Dawson said, “I guess it doesn’t matter that the auto tuner is fixed, let’s call it a day. You need some rest. We were really worried about you”

“Let’s call it a career. I don’t ever want to use an auto tuner again. I want to go back to making real music” Leticia said.

“Yeah, yeah hun. Let´s get you home so you can take a load off and get some rest” Dawson replied.

Almost one year to the day, Leticia received a champagne gift basket from the record company. She ripped the card off and her eyes welled up as she read:

“Congrats, girl for rocking the charts! We can’t stop bopping our heads to “I’ll Be True to Me”. It’s your catchiest tune, yet! With our trending data, we are confident it will stay at number 1 for another month. You’re so dope! LOL”

Leticia openly wept. She knew she was not being true to herself.

Aghast Pt. 2

27 Mar

Aghast Pt. 1

 

Music note

Leticia started to form a hypothesis of what was happening. Thinking in this state was like trying to look through a dense fog. Her principle fear was that this was an attack of some kind and she needed to get out of the studio.

“Don’t fight it, honey” a silky feminine voice suggested.

“Don’t fight what? Who are you?” Leticia asked. Leticia was borderline obsessed with Aretha Franklin and she could have sworn that this voice was that of the late superstar.

“The feeling, sugar. Ride it like a wave. And don’t you mind who I am. Pay more attention to who you are. I’m gonna hold your hand through this ride. Now lay down and close your eyes”

Leticia didn’t have it in her to protest. Furthermore, she was convinced the owner of the voice was in fact her idol. The moment she closed her eyes a geometric neon light show commenced underneath her eyelids. It was so intense at times; she wanted to close her eyes, only to realize that they were already closed.

“If it gets too intense, just open your eyes, hun”

“It’s beautiful” Leticia said as she saw a river made of constantly changing fractals which moved with the pulse of her own beating heart.

“Now talk to me baby. Why you here? What are you doing? This ain’t what you dreamed about when you was little. You wanted to sing your songs. And why you hiding that beautiful voice behind some computer, anyway?”

Leticia started to speak and was amused by the fact she wasn’t even moving her mouth. “I know, but I can’t stop. I can’t disappoint. There are too many people counting on me at this point”

“But you disappointin’ you! You can’t even count on you, now”

Leticia started to cry, but the tears felt as though they were running down the inside of her cheeks. Visions of a younger version of herself filling notebooks with lyrics and Memorex tapes with her voice were projected onto the psychedelic background. Then her young face started melting, becoming grotesque as her latest, bestselling hit, shrieked out and assaulted all of her senses. She felt her skull would collapse under the pressure of the hellish sonic waves.

“I understand, please make it stop!” she cried.

“I can’t make it stop, dear, you put those vibrations out into the universe”

Leticia tried once more to scream but it was drowned out by another perverted version of one of her hit singles.

(To be continued…)

 

The Teacher

21 Dec

teacher

Melinda dedicated her adult life to the education of children. Even as a teenager she volunteered to work with kids every moment she got the chance. It was a dream come true to open the doors of her very own pre-school. It was a conquest three years in the making from the time she wrote her business plan.

Her philosophy was to learn through play. She didn´t believe in disciplining behavior at all. She didn´t even believe in verbal reprimands. A child was to express themselves, no matter what. That was her creed.

Her first prospect came through the door during her open house event. Joann entered, dragging her son Chad by the arm. Melinda gave them the well-rehearsed tour followed by her even more well-polished sales pitch. Joann wasn´t even listening. She was going to sign on the dotted line, even if the tuition was her entire substantial life savings.

Chad had been kicked out of every child care facility in the 30 mile radius. Joann couldn´t take one more day with him at home. Every appliance was now broken, windows were shattered and the cat was dead; all by the hands of Chad. She thought about trying to lock him up in some kind of troubled youth facility, but her mother in law would in turn, cut off the checks. The checks were too big to waive off. She had to attempt to throw one more Hail Mary.

Melinda smiled at Chad and he snarled back “See you next week, Chad” she said, never breaking eye contact and ignoring the animalistic sounds coming from the boy.

The first day of classes came. Chad had been the only student matriculated. Melinda saw this as an opportunity. She realized he was going to need some special attention.

“Good morning Chad! Welcome to the first day of school” Melinda said.

“Where´s the TV?” Chad snapped.

His mother was gesturing as if to say “No!” She leaned towards Melinda and whispered into her ear “Don´t let him have any screen time, it agitates him”

Melinda answered with pride “This school is a screen free zone. Even my cell phone is in my car”

Chad moaned and sprinted towards the door that was still somewhat ajar from when he and his mother had entered. He went right for Melinda´s car. There were only two cars in the parking lot and the other was his mom´s. He picked up a fairly large rock for his size and launched it at the driver´s side window. “Phone!” Chad shrieked. Luckily, the rock bounced off without leaving a scratch.

“Chad!” his mom screamed.

“It´s ok” Melinda said, “You can go. I´ll handle this”

“Are you sure?” she asked with her keys already in her hand as she was inching towards her car.

“Yes” Melinda answered.

Melinda took Chad by the hand and led him inside. Once the door was secured shut, Melinda kneeled down to Chad´s eye level. She gave him a big hug. Chad wept. She explained at length why what he did was wrong and how he was still a good kid who just needs to make better decisions. She also discussed why there were no screens in the school. Surprisingly, Chad understood.

Chad acted out, to a lesser extent, three more times that day. Each time, Melinda used the same tactic. Chad started warming to her, a lot. When Joanna came to pick Chad up, he didn´t want to go. He screamed, he scratched the walls. He even peed in his pants.

“I don´t know what you did or how you survived today, but…” Joanna said, perplexed “but you did something right”

As the school year went on Chad´s behavior, in class, was impeccable. Like a yellow Labrador, he wouldn´t leave Melinda´s side. At home, on the other hand, he was spiraling out of control. He went as far as to try to burn the deck to the ground. He was even fairly successful. The school was flourishing. Melinda had to double staff and even had to put potential students on a waiting list.

One day, a fancy dressed lawyer showed up to the show. He sat in Melinda´s office and produced a photo of a child. “Do you know this student?”

“Yes, of course, that´s my Chad!” she answered.

The lawyer made an inquisitive face at her response. “Indeed. Your Chad. This is the meaning of my visit Miss…”

“Doce, Melinda Doce”

“Yes, Miss Doce. I represent Chad´s grandparents. His mother has past…”

“What?!”

“His mother has passed away. She overdosed on a mix of pills and alcohol. His father does not want to continue with custody. His grandparents feel they are too old to properly care for him and besides, they could not control him to save their lives. He speaks of you fondly. Quite often. They´ve noticed a lot of positive change in him since he has been studying here”

“Oh my God. What´s going to happen to him?” tears were flowing down Melinda´s face.

“That depends on you Miss Doce. His grandparents have a proposal”

“What kind of proposal?”

“You get full custody of Chad. They want to see him quarterly and perhaps a little more in the quarters that have a major holiday. You´ll receive $15,000 per month for the rest of your life from a trust they will set up. Besides this, all of Chad´s expenses will be taken care of, clothing, medical care, athletics, eventually college…”

“I´d take him for FREE!” Melinda cried.

“His grandparents said that if you were to imply such a sentiment that the monthly stipend shall increase to $20,000 per month”

The lawyer went over more details and Melinda signed some paperwork. Chad became not only her student, but became her son. Her school grew and eventually opened franchises all over the region. After completing university, Chad shared the reins of Melinda´s educational empire. They were a happy family.

 

 

 

Unwanted Wants Pt. III

12 Dec

Please read Pt. II first 

Couple

Three months have passed and there were only two weeks until Christmas. Justin hadn´t paid a dime in rent. He was eating a week´s worth of groceries in two or three days. Suzy was tired of him. Justin was getting restless as well. He could tell Suzy wasn´t buying what he was selling.

Suzy, on one hand, was proud of herself. In similar situations she would already have completely fallen for Justin. She would have already have lost a lot more money than just rent and groceries. Her heart and finances were still intact.

Justin, on the other hand, was wildly disappointed in himself. In similar situations, he would have had the woman, similar to Suzy, eating out of the palm of his hand. Room, board and sex weren´t enough to satisfy him. He wasn´t aborting this mission until he had more to show for the past three months.

Both parties were plotting. Suzy wanted to evict Justin and Justin wanted extract resources from Suzy. In the meantime, both maintained the façade that everything was in order.

On a warm Saturday afternoon, Suzy went to have a coffee with Amanda.

“Say it” Suzy said.

“Say what?” Amanda asked.

“I told you so” Suzy answered.

“Do I need to?” Amanda said.

“No. I saw it coming. I saw it a mile away. I saw it happening in real time and yet I was unable to stop myself. It felt as if I were floating in a somewhat bad dream, coming closer and closer to reality the more timed passed” Suzy looked down. “I´m not even upset that this happened. I am upset that I let this happen. I´m pathet…”

“Ok, girl, beating yourself up isn´t going to help anything. Let´s find a solution” Amanda said. She leaned over and comforted the sobbing Suzy.

*           *          *          *         *          *

Back at the apartment, Justin was smoking a joint and texting his friend Sean.

“U da man. How u still there?… I dunno” –Sean

“Yeah, but I aint´got nothing from her yet” –Justin

“Hahahaha! U nutted” –Sean

“lol” –Justin

“U gotta bounce soon…before she bounce yo ass” –Sean

“Not B4 I get mine” –Justin

 

(To be continued)

Please read Part IV

 

Finger It Out

8 Nov

Finger

Lucas had lost many things in life, money, homes, lovers but there was only thing that he truly missed. It was the one thing he truly gave a damn if he ever saw it again. His finger.

He lost it on the other side of the world repelling down a mountain. His equipment malfunctioned and he was sent plunging twenty feet in a free fall. Luckily, a safety mechanism caught him from falling all the way to the ground. When the adrenaline settled, he looked at his hand only to find he was a finger lighter.

Nowadays, Lucas found himself in a constant dire need of cash. He was living in his car. He was constantly hungry. He was desperate.

One day a friend told him he could make some easy cash. All he had to do was simply board a plane, with $20,000 taped to his legs and deliver it to an unscrupulous fellow in Thailand. “What a break!” He thought.  

The day came and he was prepped. His legs were shaved to facilitate the removal of the tape. He was also given beta blockers to take his nerves down a notch and make it easier to act natural. Then he was loaded up with $10,000 on each leg.

He made it through security on both sides without incident. He found a car waiting for him at the airport. Everything had gone smoothly and he was off. During the ride he kept thinking how the $2000 he was going to earn from this job was going to change his life. Also, strangely, he was experiencing and unusual amount of phantom itching where his missing digit once resided.

He finally arrived at the drop off. He climbed what felt like 1000 steps. He was out of breath when he reached the top. There was an innumerous amount of armed men milling around. None looked very professional, but not to be messed with all the same. One wearing a strange necklace caught Lucas´s attention the most.

“Is that what I think it is?” he thought. “Oh, shit, it is” he confirmed to himself. It was a human finger on a string. He figured the man must have been a guerilla soldier. It wasn´t a stretch, many of them end up in shady security details, such as this one.

As he was waiting to be seen, he could not take his eyes or mind off of the man with the finger around his neck. Even after he was called for by the boss, the finger consumed his mind and the phantom itch increased.

He was listening to niceties from the recipient of the money as another thug cut the cash free from the tape around his leg. The finger. All he could think about was the finger.

“Is there any request or desire I could fulfill for your hardships?” the boss asked Lucas.

“Well, yeah, there´s this one thing, but it´s kind of weird” he replied.

“Go on, I´ve heard it all” the boss said, intrigued.

“Ok, can I see the finger hanging on that guy´s neck?” he said, pointing sheepishly at the security guard.

The boss said something to the security guard that Lucas would have to study over a decade to understand. The guard stepped forward. The finger was definitely from a Caucasian donor. That surprised Lucas. Then his eyes grew so wide the balls almost fell out of his head.

Upon closer inspection, Lucas saw the homemade mustache tattoo his cousin put on him behind his uncle´s shed.

Reading Lucas’s face, the boss asked “Is everything ok?”

“That´s my finger!” Lucas answered.

“Are you sure the boss asked?” the boss asked.

“For sure” he answered.

After a quick exchange in Thai with the security guard the boss asked “Would you like it back?”

“Yes” Lucas said with tears in his eyes.

“It´d be my pleasure to see this reunion” the boss said. At that moment the security guard slipped the cord from his own neck and put it around Lucas’s.  

 

 

Can´t Do It Anymore

18 Oct

Rig

“I can´t do this anymore” Pietro sniveled.

“Well, I can” Gustavo said with his eyes sharply fixed on Pietro´s rig.

“I don´t even get high anymore” Pietro said while searching for a vein to inject his first dose of heroin, of the day.

“I do” Gustavo said, but upon further reflection, he realized that was just not true. After a pause he added “What else the fuck we gonna do anyway?”

“You got me there” Pietro all but whispered. He had finally found a vein and was afraid that any extra movement would result in him losing it.

Pietro carefully pierced the skin and maneuvered the needle into the tiny vein. With a heavy thumb he pushed down on the plunger. He awaited the warm comfort to spread from the site, but it didn´t. He internally panicked. He thought he must have bought garbage with his last ten bucks. Those ten dollars could have been a million in terms of level of difficulty for him to attain. He was already imaging fighting off the dope-sickness.

These thoughts were slightly alleviated when he felt something, a sensation. Relief. This thin relief turned to curiosity which turned to fear as the sensation was anything but familiar.  

The injection site was icy cold, yet a burning tingle washed over him. Gustavo looked on in horror as Pietro´s eyes rolled into the back of his head. Pietro started to convulse. His eyes ceased to perceive the outside world. He only saw thick blackness with flashes of red. The pain in his body was overwhelming at first, but started to subside.

As the pain ebbed, the blackness followed suit. It was slowly replaced with light and at the same time, numbness started to cover him as if it were a weak tide coming to shore.

Gustavo shook his lifeless friend to no avail. For a moment, he almost felt sadness. It was fleeting. It´s departure was accelerated by the notion that the rest of the bag was all his.

Gustavo looked at Pietro´s earthly remains and said “I guess you really couldn´t do this anymore”

Rock On!

21 Sep

Rock on

“If this guitar could talk…..” Barry said as he pulled the cord out that connects it to the amplifier.  His breath reeked so much of bad habits that it could be perceived back by the drum kit.

“Yeah man, living the life!” Steve said as he, too, unplugged his bass with an equally offensive odor emanating from his mouth.

“We´re really living the life. We actually get paid for this shit, man”, Barry said.

“Not very good, but shit, we get to drink and fuck for free” Steve replied.

“Yeah, how many chumps from high school pull down around what we do but with none of the perks….and they have to put in a whole lot more hours” Barry said as he extended his pointer and middle fingers as to make quotation marks at the word “perks”.

“Most them fools have kids and shit, just weighing them down” Steve added.

“Fuck that. Now let´s party!” Barry said as he snapped the case of his guitar shut. Steve did the same and they both left the room.

*           *          *           *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

After a few moments of silence and when it felt the coast was clear, the guitar piped up. “Hey bass, you hear those losers?”

“Yeah, they don´t even know their losers. How did we end up with them?” the bass sighed.

The drums then chimed in “They barely even get a girl once a month, without paying, and they think they are some kind of studs”

“They are right about the drinking though, they got that part down pat” the guitar said.

“Yeah, remember that fucking idiot Steve puked on me a few weeks back?” the bass said.

“Uh, huh” the drums and guitar said in unison.

“Why couldn´t we have been bought by some accountant type that a picks us up a few times a year to noodle on instead of these wanna-be jack offs?” the guitar queried.

“Even some random office type that plays in a shitty cover back from time to time would be better than this shit” the bass opined.

The drums and guitar grunted in agreement.

“Oh well, good night guys” the guitar said.

“Good night” the bass and drums answered.

 

The Long Way Home

27 Jul

*note from author: I debated long and hard if I should post this or not. If you choose to read on, you´ll see it is pretty graphic. X rated, even. A part from a few details in setting, the story is fiction despite the opening line. I really want to make that clear. The exercise was to write a fist person, raunchy story. With that said, reader discretion is advised.

party

The following story is factually true. Take into consideration it is being told through the distorted lens of a drunken teenage boy. Seventeen years already has history distorting powers. Let´s take into consideration the alcoholic soup the story swims in. Reader discretion advised. Enjoy.

It started off as a typical Friday night. Warm ups included whatever was the cheapest thirty pack of beer the store had to offer and taking turns on the gravity bong. The gravity bong for the uninitiated is simply the most ridiculous homemade device for smoking marijuana. Google it. Ours was a one gallon milk jug in a bucket of water. The same bucket we used to clean the house. Who am I kidding, the house never got cleaned.

We were good and wrecked when somebody suggested we go to frat row in down town New Brunswick, New Jersey to “get fucked up”. We were all attending an educational establishment too embarrassing to mention here, so we piggy backed the party scene at Rutgers University. We decided I was not sober enough to drive so someone else, who was probably equally inebriated but could hide it better, did.

At this stage of my life, Friday and Saturday nights had two purposes. Get wasted on whatever I could get my hands and cumming. The former happened regularly, the latter, at least at the hands of others, not so much. We got to the party and I set my internal radar on drugs, alcohol and any girl with self esteem low enough to touch me. On this fortunate night, I scored on all three fronts.

As I said, full recollection of this story is impossible but some things are still clear. The girl I struck up a conversation with was blond, so skinny she could elicit pity and had awful teeth. I remember the teeth because this is a pet peeve of mine, but I was talking and she was listening so I looked away. I remember playing a few rounds of beer pong when she suggested we find somewhere a little more private to enjoy each other´s company.

The Rutgers frat houses are strange structures. They are the old mansions of Johnson and Johnson executives from a century gone by. They are full of little hidden hallways, staircases and rooms that are hard to imagine what purpose they once served. We found an unoccupied room that only fit a bunk bed. You had to contort you body just to get into the thing. Bingo! We found our love nest.

We started making out and I managed to get her clothes off. She was too drunk to get mine off so I was obliged to help. I don´t remember much from this passionate encounter but I remember a few things. First, we did not have sex. As you will see, it would have better if we had because I would have been able to break her evil spell, get away from her and the rest of the night would not have gone down the way it did. We were then interrupted by a chubby fellow and told to leave the ex slave´s quarters immediately.

I pretended to like her for a few more hours with the hopes that she would make that sneezey feeling in my crotch that seemed to be the focus of my life. The party was winding down and I noticed my ride had left. She offered her place to crash. What a coincidence. I wish I could give more details of what happened next but I really don´t remember.

I do doubt we had intercourse because no black out is stronger than an orgasm. No matter how drunk or high I was, I remember them all and file them to be later used in search of manual relief. When I refer to this night in my mind, a message comes up “file empty”. But the story does not end here.

I woke up in a strange place. I was cold. In fact I was shivering. I pulled the covers over my shoulders. Colder yet. What gives. I looked around. I was clearly in a girl´s room but there was no girl. I put my hand down on the mattress. I realized what had happened. Exactly what I feared most as a twelve year old when I slept over at friend´s houses had happened. I made water in her bed, Miss Daisy. It was a gusher too. Everything was wet. My mind raced despite the pounding headache. I thought about gathering my things and jumping out the window. We were on the third story.

I did what any honorable man in my position would do. I pulled my jeans over my pissed in underwear, put the rest of my clothes on and went down stairs. She didn´t even look up from the television. This I remember as if it were yesterday. I told it was fun and it was nice to have met her. I even remembered my manners and told her she had a lovely home despite the fact it looked like a future hoarders episode. It was a few years away from that but that´s ok because the show hadn´t been invented yet. Like the gentlemen I was, I offered my phone number. She told me to write it on the dry erase board on the fridge. It had the grocery list and I felt bad about erasing it so I left it alone.

This was an age before cell phones. I had no cash for a cab and not even the bus. I was a good five miles from where I lived. Talk about walk of shame? This was the Bataan Death March of shame. I put my head down low and took that walk. I threw up a few times along the way but I made it. I was greeted with a round of high fives. I regaled them with my tale and I was awarded the “green hit” from the gravity bong for my troubles.