Tag Archives: dark humor

Christian Chicks

1 Dec

sexy-inked-girls-tattoos-tatts-chicquero-praying-bride

 

“Why are you always going after Christian girls, Tony?” Nick asked.

“Well, I figure, they already beleive in stupid shit, so it is easy to convince them to come to bed with me” Tony replied matter of factly, as if he has been rehearsing this answer for some time.

“I never thought of it that way. But don’t they get all moral on you when things start to get hot and heavy?” Nick asked.

“Not really. You see, most of these Christian chicks are pretty messed up. If they didn’t have Jesus in thier life, they’d probably be drunks or drug users. So in that way, they have that thrill seeking gene. They get all Jesus upped at church on the weekend the same way some chicks get all decked out and sloppy at a club. During the week, the club chick don’t think about the club and the Christian girl don’t think about Jesus until Sunday. They are pretty similar in that way. But the Christians chicks are clean.”

“Wow, you got it all figured out, don’t you Tony” Nick said with admiration in his voice.

“Of course not. But it works for me” Tony said.

“I just have one more question. Don’t you feel bad that you are condemning them to a future of eternity in hell?” Nick asked.

With that question, Tony let out a roaring laugh that was so contagious that Nick couldn’t help but join him.

 

Mommy go night night…

23 Nov

The baby won`t sleep. The baby won`t sleep! THE BABY WON`T SLEEP!

These words reverberated through her head as if they were screamed into a canyon and now bouncing off the smooth rock walls. As she heard the gentle coos coming from the other room, she sat in her arm chair sobbing. “Why am I such a terrible mother” she thought. “I can’t even get my baby to sleep” Strange ideas raced through her head. Meditate? Send positive energy through the ether towards the baby. No, that`s for “hippies”. How about a rum soaked cotton ball? No, that’s so turn of the century. The last one.

Then her mind really started getting the better of her. “What if the baby’s neural pathways become underdeveloped due to lack of sleep?”

“What if the baby does not get into a good university because of the damage being done by the lack of REM” Or worse, “What if she ends up marrying a loser and creating a white trash family because, gasp, she doesn’t know any better?!”

Now she was frantically searching for answers.

Eureka!

She went under the sink and got the 1 liter bottle of Jim Beam Extra Rye. Then, she quietly got out the baby’s 300ML Advent bottle. She carefully poured the foul smelling, golden brown liquid into the bottle all the way to the 300ML mark.

Then she sat back down on her chair. “Are you really going to do this?” she thought. “What kind of mother are you?” Then her inner voice said to her, “It’s the only way”

So with that, she got up, went back to the sink, grabbed the bottle and like a kamikaze soldier falling on her own sword, downed every last drop. Then, she plopped back down on to her chair. Miraculously, the sounds coming from the baby`s room began to fade. Either the baby was falling into gentle slumber, or at least mommy was.

The Number

8 Sep

As they lay in their post coitus embrace, Bruno sensed that something was awry with Alexandra.

“Is everything all right?” he asked.

“Yeah” she said without conviction.

“No, really, tell me. What´s wrong?” he insisted.

“You really wanna know?” she asked.

“Yeah, you can tell me anything” he said.

“Ok, well me and the girls were talking the other day about our boyfriends. The subject of the number came up” she said

“The number?” he asked.

“Yeah, the number. How many people you’ve been with, the number” she said almost irritated by his ignorance of the matter.

“That´s what you girls talk about when you get together” he laughed.

“What’s so funny?” she said with a twisted face of anger and disgust. “It´s serious stuff.”

“Easy babe” he said while running his finger down her arm affectionately, trying to get her to calm down. With this she jerked away created a space of at least a foot between their naked bodies.

“Don’t touch me. I gotta know. You are the only guy that I have ever cared about. I need to know. What´s your number. I need to know how many girls the first guy I ever fell in love with slept with!”

Bruno’s head was spinning. Though he felt highly attracted to Alexandra and enjoyed her company, it’s only been three months that they have been seeing each other. The L word had not even entered his head.

“Slow down, babe. Where is all of this coming from?” he asked.

Alexandra was now crying. “I never loved anybody so I never cared before. It bothers me so much to know that someone I love fucked a bunch of dirty whores”

Bruno was already making plans in his head to delete Alexandra from his phone and block her from his Facebook. But first, he needed to think his way out of this very moment.

“What if I told you, that you were the only one” he trailed off and came back with “that I cared about? Huh?” he thought a little humor would lighten the mood.

“TELL ME! How many whores have you fucked, Bruno?” she screamed.

Bruno stammered, “I really don´t know, I haven’t kept a real count.”

“Oh my god! You’ve fucked so many girls you don’t even know how many there were?” she said.

“No, it’s not like that, I just don’t know. I’d have to think about it” he said.

“Get to thinking” she said.

Bruno thought of a number that he thought she would except and calm down. “I think five”.

“It can’t be only five! If it were only five you would not have to think. You would have known five without thinking!” she said.

“No, five. I just never stopped to think before, that’s all” he said.

This seemed to calm her a little. “Only five? Really?”

Bruno saw that it was working. “Really” he was frantically thinking of how he could extricate himself from her bedroom without bringing on another wave of rage.

The Alexandra said “Do you love me?”

This caught Bruno completely by surprise. He saw that she wasn’t stable and he didn’t want to raise her ire so he lied “Of course. These past months have been some of the happiest of my life”

“Do want to be with me forever?” she asked.

“Of course I do” Bruno said hoping that she couldn’t sense how far from the truth this statement was.

“Then you know what we have to do to be together?” she asked.

“No” he replied.

“We have to kill those dirty whores who you fucked” she said as she stared at the ceiling, mascara staining the sides of her face making permanent black tears.

Bruno’s mind went blank.

How much difference does it make?

2 Sep

How much difference does it make?

You can work out your body for years building muscles that protrude from other muscles only to have them atrophy to nothing in a few quick months of a little sloth.

You can spend years creating a fortune only to see it lost in moments due to a lapse in judgment or worse, something outside your realm of control.

You can spend years of your life and soul creating a family only to have them wiped out in the blink of an eye at the hand of a wild eyed killer or an inebriated driver.

You build relationships, they go away. You have ideas, you  forget them. You cook food, it gets eaten.

Even the tallest grandest mountains erode at the hand of wind, water and time.

Nothing is permanent not even the stain on your favorite shirt.

You’re born, you die.

I ask again, how much difference does it make?

Sunday Drivers

23 Aug

Driving down the highway Sidney looked over to Ana to see if she was hanging in there.

“Ya’ll right?” he asked.

She didn’t answer. A million things were racing through her mind. The principle thought was jail. She didn’t want to go back. Sidney, on the other hand, never thought more than a few moments into the future. He was very animalistic in that way.

A strong chemical smell made its way into Ana’s nostrils. Her head was hurting and her stomach was already upset from the day old truck stop coffee she downed for breakfast with five sugar packets. A wave of nausea washed over her. Her hands were shaking.

“Can you roll down the window?” She practically whispered; her jaw trembling.

“Huh?” was her response.

She let it go. She felt that if she opened her mouth again, it would be more than words coming out. The windows had to be kept shut despite the extreme desert heat so the illegal chemical smell would not make its way to the olfactory system of a lawman.

Sidney lit a cigarette and that was enough to put Ana over the edge. It was almost immediate, the first waif of smoke made its way up her nose and bile started to rise from her stomach then made its way through her throat out her mouth and ended up on the sun dried and cracked pleather dashboard.

“Fuck” Sidney grunted.

Ana could not even manage a response. As a tear ran down the side of her face, she silently thought to herself, Sunday car rides with Granpa were so much better.

Note from the author: If you wish to see the story continued, please say so in the comments section and the author will kindly oblige.

Melting

18 Aug

Everybody knows what happens at the end of the life cycle of an ice cube. It does not die. It just retreats closer to the ground. It becomes not a different thing; it is indeed the same thing just in a different state.

If we can concur on the above, then it is true that the same is true for a cat. At the end of its life cycle, its matter retreats to the ground. A different kind of melting occurs. Some things are created, such as foul odors. However, are these odors truly created? Do they not exist the whole time only being released upon the animal’s biological demise?

These are the type of thoughts that helped Brad justify his odd hobby. He thought to himself, he is not just taking life, he is putting it back into the ground from which it came. He was like a social vulture but instead of waiting for his clean up job to die before commencing, he would just go ahead and clean up. He would take messes, deep into the woods, retire them to freshly dug holes, spread lime, cover up said mess and go home to have supper.

Society does not seem to agree with Brad so he must sit in a cage for the rest of his natural life and many more for his sentence far exceeds the years of the average human life.

Click

9 Aug

Breaking the shackles of bondage is a tough thing to do.

Even with the fence left wide open, it is not so easy to walk off the farm.

Every muscle in your body freezes. Your thoughts slow to a crawl.

By the time you work up the courage to go the guard has his scope trained on you.

Click.

The dog and the skunk

6 Aug

dog and skunk

 

A dog was walking through a forest one day and he came upon a skunk. They both froze. They stared at each other waiting for the other to make the first move. Unfortunately for the dog, the skunk make the first move. It bit a large chunk of flesh from the dog’s face.

The dog quickly retreated and the skunk slowly plodded away. The dog was in agonizing pain. He could not see out of his right eye and no air was passing through his blood-caked nose. As he wandered whimperinly he fell into a pond. He felt relieved as the water washed away the dried blood and he was able to breathe through his nose again.

All of a sudden, he heard a loud noise. He jumped out of the pond to find that half of the forest was on fire. The crackling fire rapidly encroached upon him. He ran. He ran so fast that he had little control of his direction. He was still blind in one eye and was fumbling; trying to make do with the eye that worked. Then he heard a horrible scream.

An ungodly sound was coming from the edge of the fire. The dog looked back and saw a small figure writhing under a fallen branch. The dog went back to offer assistance. It was the skunk. The animal’s fur was singed by the unrelenting flames.

The dog nudged the scalding branch off the skunk with his injured face. He whimpered in pain. Then, he grabbed the skunk by the scruff of the neck and ran with the animal in his mouth. The dog ran and ran as the skunk passed in and out of consciousness.

When the dog got to a point where he sensed that the fire was no longer an immediate threat, he laid down and gently placed the wounded skunk on a pile of soft leaves. Hours passed as the dog waited alongside the skunk waiting patiently for it to recover. Finally, the skunk came to.

When the skunk regained full consciousness, he sensed the presence of the dog. It froze. The dog froze. Then all of a sudden, the skunk lunged at the dog, took a chunk out of the other side of the dog’s face and darted into the woods. Now the dog was blind in both eyes.

 

 

One expensive cup of lemonade

5 Aug

While driving down the street, he was very unsure of what direction to take. He loved to make left turns, but this time he felt a right hand turn would be appropriate. He made his right turn and it felt great.

As he continued down the road, he saw something ahead that compelled him to stop. A young girl was serving lemonade. He came to a stop and got out of his car. He asked the young lady how much for a cup of her lemonade.

She replied, “$375.”

He initially thought the price asked was steep but she was so cute he felt obliged to purchase a cup from her.

“Do you take personal checks, young lady,” he asked.

“With two forms of I.D. I sure do,” she answered.

With that, the young man wrote a check, showed his driver´s license and his work I.D. badge and received his $375 cup of lemonade.

He got back into his car and slowly sipped his $375 cup of lemonade. In an instant, he felt his lips burn. He felt his mouth burn. The pain was so unbearable; his soul burned.

He then spilled his $375 cup of lemonade on his leather seats. They too started to burn. Little holes starting to appear on the cow skin upholstery.

With all this commotion, he did not realize he was driving on the sidewalk. Nor did he realize his impending doom for he was barreling down on a tree and only saw it when it was too late.

A woman who was going for her routine walk also failed to see the same tree behind her but did notice the car in front of her about to erase her from the list of the living.

It was too late for both of them to do anything and their lives ended in the same instant.

The funny part of the story was that it was the dead woman’s idea for her daughter to charge $375 for a cup of lemonade.

Ode to my prison shank

4 Aug

I hear a dog barking in the distance. Must be that of the neighbors. I cannot stand those people. They´ll get theirs but for now, I need to focus on getting this suitcase packed. It´s not every day one prepares for a tropical island get a way.

I just need to make sure I have everything I need. Bathing suit, underwear and socks, lube and last but not least, my lucky shank. My old friend. We meet in lockup after my third DUI. He got me through some very difficult situations.

There was that time in the shower. Cobra had quite the shock when he tried to enter my ass only to find my lucky shank was already there. And there was that other time when that guy tried to cheat me out of a pack of smokes during a hand of cards. He got his thanks to my old friend.

This has been a beautiful relationship. He gives me so much and asks for nothing in return. But that is what this trip is about. It is a surprise for him. He has never seen the tropical climate. He has never really seen the shine of the sun at all. Most importantly, he has never seen the inside of a beautiful woman and I would like to bestow that honor upon him.

What friends!