Finger It Out

8 Nov

Finger

Lucas had lost many things in life, money, homes, lovers but there was only thing that he truly missed. It was the one thing he truly gave a damn if he ever saw it again. His finger.

He lost it on the other side of the world repelling down a mountain. His equipment malfunctioned and he was sent plunging twenty feet in a free fall. Luckily, a safety mechanism caught him from falling all the way to the ground. When the adrenaline settled, he looked at his hand only to find he was a finger lighter.

Nowadays, Lucas found himself in a constant dire need of cash. He was living in his car. He was constantly hungry. He was desperate.

One day a friend told him he could make some easy cash. All he had to do was simply board a plane, with $20,000 taped to his legs and deliver it to an unscrupulous fellow in Thailand. “What a break!” He thought.  

The day came and he was prepped. His legs were shaved to facilitate the removal of the tape. He was also given beta blockers to take his nerves down a notch and make it easier to act natural. Then he was loaded up with $10,000 on each leg.

He made it through security on both sides without incident. He found a car waiting for him at the airport. Everything had gone smoothly and he was off. During the ride he kept thinking how the $2000 he was going to earn from this job was going to change his life. Also, strangely, he was experiencing and unusual amount of phantom itching where his missing digit once resided.

He finally arrived at the drop off. He climbed what felt like 1000 steps. He was out of breath when he reached the top. There was an innumerous amount of armed men milling around. None looked very professional, but not to be messed with all the same. One wearing a strange necklace caught Lucas´s attention the most.

“Is that what I think it is?” he thought. “Oh, shit, it is” he confirmed to himself. It was a human finger on a string. He figured the man must have been a guerilla soldier. It wasn´t a stretch, many of them end up in shady security details, such as this one.

As he was waiting to be seen, he could not take his eyes or mind off of the man with the finger around his neck. Even after he was called for by the boss, the finger consumed his mind and the phantom itch increased.

He was listening to niceties from the recipient of the money as another thug cut the cash free from the tape around his leg. The finger. All he could think about was the finger.

“Is there any request or desire I could fulfill for your hardships?” the boss asked Lucas.

“Well, yeah, there´s this one thing, but it´s kind of weird” he replied.

“Go on, I´ve heard it all” the boss said, intrigued.

“Ok, can I see the finger hanging on that guy´s neck?” he said, pointing sheepishly at the security guard.

The boss said something to the security guard that Lucas would have to study over a decade to understand. The guard stepped forward. The finger was definitely from a Caucasian donor. That surprised Lucas. Then his eyes grew so wide the balls almost fell out of his head.

Upon closer inspection, Lucas saw the homemade mustache tattoo his cousin put on him behind his uncle´s shed.

Reading Lucas’s face, the boss asked “Is everything ok?”

“That´s my finger!” Lucas answered.

“Are you sure the boss asked?” the boss asked.

“For sure” he answered.

After a quick exchange in Thai with the security guard the boss asked “Would you like it back?”

“Yes” Lucas said with tears in his eyes.

“It´d be my pleasure to see this reunion” the boss said. At that moment the security guard slipped the cord from his own neck and put it around Lucas’s.  

 

 

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Flying High!

1 Nov

1

Gale worked very hard to get where she was. She logged many miles before she took the point position of the V. Gale was a goose and led the flock while flying in their migrating V pattern.

Gale studied Spanish for years to become fluent so she could lead Mexican migrations and she was studying French so she could pick up some French Canadian migrations, as well. She even worked with a speech therapist to get rid of her thick Boston accent because she thought it would give her a slight edge in her career. She thought she´d be taken more seriously.

Despite her successes, she couldn’t help but feel slightly incomplete. She thought it may be the lack of younglings in her life. She laid some eggs but it didn’t move the needle for her. Furthermore, although ashamed to admit it out loud, she was even a little relieved when neither egg hatched.

She wanted to make a mark. She wanted to leave a legacy. She studied all the great geese navigators. She idolized them. Her favorite was DuMont, who was credited with inventing the flying V formation. She poured over tomes about his life and the science of the V formation.

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One night her big idea came. She was going to revolutionize the migration pattern. She stayed up countless nights going over her math. She came to the conclusion that a slight U would be superior to a V. She was excited. She was going to test her theory this fall during the migration to Chihuahua, Mexico. “Vámanos!!!” was all she could think.

One unusually warm fall day, she laid out her plan in the middle of a verdant field. She showed her math. She even had a PowerPoint presentation, just in case, but didn´t need to show it. The co-pointers were weary of the plan, but they trusted Gale. She was on track to become not just the first trilingual goose of her flock, but of their entire region. In the end, they put their whole trust in her.

The moment of departure came. Everyone was in their respective position. Take off went smoothly. Gale´s anxiety decreased with every mile behind her tail feathers. The confidence in her plan grew. A smile started to form in the corners of her beak. All of a sudden, something caught her eye that wiped that smile away.

“A duck blind” she thought to herself. “Poachers at this time of year??? Just my luck!” Then she heard the first boom from a shotgun.

“Don´t panic!” she screamed to her flock.

“Gonna be hard not to!” answered one of her co-pointers.

“Just follow my lead” Gale answered. She started to make ever so slight zig zag motions and her flock followed in perfect unison. Now the shots were thundering with such frequency it sounded like the finale of a Fourth of July fireworks display. Hearts were pounding. Adrenaline was flowing.

Despite their utter fear, not one goose was even close to a BB being sprayed from the booming guns. Gale´s brave decision was working. Meanwhile down on the ground, there was a group of very frustrated hunters. Curses were flying more than goose shot.

“What the…”

“Why they in a darn U?”

“Can´t hit any of ‘em in that there U! Why ain´t they in a blasted V???”

“When they in a V, it´s like shooting fish in a barrel. Can´t hit nutten in this here U!”

“What´s gotten into them there crazy geese? They done lost they minds flying in a U like that there!”

The shots and cursing eventually grew from distant noise to silence. Gale finally breathed a sigh of relief. They eventually made their way to Mexico. They were even slightly ahead of time and in high spirits. The U was a smashing success. Gale considered it a success solely based on their early arrival. She had no idea it was the reason the hunters were unable to hit any geese and that it saved the flock’s life.

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The Astonishing Discovery of the Eta Wolf

26 Oct

1

It is a well-known and documented fact that wolves live in a strict and well enforced hierarchy. What has come to light only recently is how this hierarchy is decided and upon this revelation a discovery was made, a new rank in the hierarchy previously unobserved. The Eta wolf lives a tumultuous life and ends up finishing its life at the lowest rung of the social ladder. A new study has given us insight never even imagined until now.

A group of biologists went deep into the Adirondack Mountains to discover the answers to many questions. How does the Alpha reach the top? How does the Delta acquire its caregiving nature? How do Alphas choose the Betas and give them positions of such trust. They were shocked when they observed a strange group which they dubbed Etas. The Eta experience a downward spiral in social standing that is brutal and demonstrates Nature´s sometimes obscene cruelty. One could interpret the data to show that some beasts are born to suffer.

2

Let´s start with the birth and subsequent social ascent of the Eta. The Eta apparently rises to a social level beyond that of the Alpha. A major distinction is that the Eta, although socially higher at this point is still controlled by the Alpha. An Eta can be born from every social rank. Even Etas can produce more Etas, though this phenomenon is rare.

What appears to separate an Eta from the rest of the pack is either an extreme talent, such as howling more beautifully than other wolves or having extreme physical attributes. Some Etas climb the social pyramid on sheer need for attention and an ability to obtain said attention. Etas tend to have sad stories from the very beginning of life. Sometimes they were weened too early from the teat by an uncaring mother or not even given milk at all. The latter are generally raised by foster wolves. There is apparently a lot of abuse in the pasts of many Eta wolves.

Etas experience a meteoric rise in social standing. They are given access other wolves could only dream of. They are exempt from any actual communal work. In fact, it is thought they are a net burden on the pack when they are on the social rise or at the apex of their social standing. They are given the choice entrails of the hunt, which they generally had no participation in.

The life of the Eta strikes tragedy after having spent some time at the apex of the social structure. Other wolves start looking for behaviors that can bring the Eta down. This is not difficult given the large amount of abuse the Eta endures during the formative years. Etas generally suffer from a plethora of psychological disorders.

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Once the Eta starts displaying erratic behavior, the other wolves viciously attack both physically and emotionally. It has been observed that even the Iota wolf, generally the lowest ranking wolf in the pack, get their licks in when the Eta has been taken down significantly. It is even believed that the Iotas experience a brief feeling of belonging to a higher social rank when administering attacks both physically and emotionally on an Eta. The mere besmirching of an Eta’s character behind its back has been observed to offer a similar phenomenon to a lesser extent.

4

Etas get to live a wave like life of the best and the worst that pack life has to offer. It appears they are created to be elevated only to be knocked down. What astonished researchers the most was that even with the knowledge that the climb to the top will be met with a great fall, there are always Etas born, generation after generation, that are willing to take that risk.

 

Can´t Do It Anymore

18 Oct

Rig

“I can´t do this anymore” Pietro sniveled.

“Well, I can” Gustavo said with his eyes sharply fixed on Pietro´s rig.

“I don´t even get high anymore” Pietro said while searching for a vein to inject his first dose of heroin, of the day.

“I do” Gustavo said, but upon further reflection, he realized that was just not true. After a pause he added “What else the fuck we gonna do anyway?”

“You got me there” Pietro all but whispered. He had finally found a vein and was afraid that any extra movement would result in him losing it.

Pietro carefully pierced the skin and maneuvered the needle into the tiny vein. With a heavy thumb he pushed down on the plunger. He awaited the warm comfort to spread from the site, but it didn´t. He internally panicked. He thought he must have bought garbage with his last ten bucks. Those ten dollars could have been a million in terms of level of difficulty for him to attain. He was already imaging fighting off the dope-sickness.

These thoughts were slightly alleviated when he felt something, a sensation. Relief. This thin relief turned to curiosity which turned to fear as the sensation was anything but familiar.  

The injection site was icy cold, yet a burning tingle washed over him. Gustavo looked on in horror as Pietro´s eyes rolled into the back of his head. Pietro started to convulse. His eyes ceased to perceive the outside world. He only saw thick blackness with flashes of red. The pain in his body was overwhelming at first, but started to subside.

As the pain ebbed, the blackness followed suit. It was slowly replaced with light and at the same time, numbness started to cover him as if it were a weak tide coming to shore.

Gustavo shook his lifeless friend to no avail. For a moment, he almost felt sadness. It was fleeting. It´s departure was accelerated by the notion that the rest of the bag was all his.

Gustavo looked at Pietro´s earthly remains and said “I guess you really couldn´t do this anymore”

Still Gonna Go?

28 Sep

hobos

“If I were you, I wouldn´t go there” Dean said.

“But if I don´t go there, how will I know?” answered Eddie.

“Somethings are best left unknown” Dean replied.

“No…. I ain´t buying it. Name me one thing that is better not knowing” Eddie said.

Dean mulled it over for a little. “What if your old lady treated you real swell, but she had a kink for sucking strange dick on the down low. Like, she´s the absolute best, A number 1, but she can´t keep the dick out her mouth?”

Eddie pondered the scenario.  He was stumped. He gave it one more thought before submitting. “Ya got me there, I guess I wouldn´t want to know”

“Well, are you still thinking about going?” Dean asked.

“Hell yeah! I ain´t got no dick sucking perfect wife, yet and I´ll be damned if I ain´t gonna try finding one there!”  Eddie said.

“All right, your funeral” Dean said.

“Maybe, bub…..maybe”

Rock On!

21 Sep

Rock on

“If this guitar could talk…..” Barry said as he pulled the cord out that connects it to the amplifier.  His breath reeked so much of bad habits that it could be perceived back by the drum kit.

“Yeah man, living the life!” Steve said as he, too, unplugged his bass with an equally offensive odor emanating from his mouth.

“We´re really living the life. We actually get paid for this shit, man”, Barry said.

“Not very good, but shit, we get to drink and fuck for free” Steve replied.

“Yeah, how many chumps from high school pull down around what we do but with none of the perks….and they have to put in a whole lot more hours” Barry said as he extended his pointer and middle fingers as to make quotation marks at the word “perks”.

“Most them fools have kids and shit, just weighing them down” Steve added.

“Fuck that. Now let´s party!” Barry said as he snapped the case of his guitar shut. Steve did the same and they both left the room.

*           *          *           *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

After a few moments of silence and when it felt the coast was clear, the guitar piped up. “Hey bass, you hear those losers?”

“Yeah, they don´t even know their losers. How did we end up with them?” the bass sighed.

The drums then chimed in “They barely even get a girl once a month, without paying, and they think they are some kind of studs”

“They are right about the drinking though, they got that part down pat” the guitar said.

“Yeah, remember that fucking idiot Steve puked on me a few weeks back?” the bass said.

“Uh, huh” the drums and guitar said in unison.

“Why couldn´t we have been bought by some accountant type that a picks us up a few times a year to noodle on instead of these wanna-be jack offs?” the guitar queried.

“Even some random office type that plays in a shitty cover back from time to time would be better than this shit” the bass opined.

The drums and guitar grunted in agreement.

“Oh well, good night guys” the guitar said.

“Good night” the bass and drums answered.

 

The Peculiar Attraction of the Peacock

19 Sep

1

The peacock is a peculiar animal in that the male is the vainer of the two sexes. In our own species, the human species, the female usually devotes more time and attention to their outer appearance. This is the domain of the male in the world of the peacock.

More odd is that the male peacock has been observed to put very little importance in the physical appearance of their female mates. They seem to care a little about height and beak size and that does not even seem to be a deal breaker.  If a female successfully plays into a male´s vanity, she can be quite short and have a relatively small beak, yet will have her target male fawn all over her.  Further research must be done but it is hypothesized that the ability to stroke the male´s ego may be the single greatest asset the female has to win over a mate.

2

Not much homosexuality has been observed among the peacock musters studied, but when it has, a dilemma seems to arise. Both males seek the affirmation of their aesthetic but have little to no experience in offering such affirmation so a vicious cycle has been observed to form. Homosexual peacocks go around looking for another male who will placate their need for veneration, yet do not know how to placate this need in their mate. Given this dynamic, very little homosexual copulation has been observed in the musters studied even though a clearly small subset of the population is homosexual.

4

There is one more curious phenomenon worth mentioning. The females observed did not demonstrate any concern for the aesthetic of the males. They have been observed to acquire the knowledge of the male´s penchant for this certain type of seduction from older females who have in turn had acquired it from even older ones. In other words, the females don´t even care what the males look like but have learned it is important to the males and have come up with strategies to conquer them using this knowledge to their advantage.

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